New York Hate of Mind

Farewell to the Empire

2011-06-07T15:55:00.007-04:00

My time as a New York City resident began with a summer sublet on the low end of the Upper East Side. There was no air conditioning, one working window and an Australian roommate that randomly appeared in our shared kitchen. I had $200 left to eat, live and play until my first payday, whenever that was. On my second day of work I had to front $60 for airport cab fare. Let’s just say that in the summer of 2003, I quickly discovered how just far tuna fish and generic ritz crackers could take a man.

Then there was the promise to myself: give it a year and a half at this PR job. Get some consistent voice over gigs, and then maybe move to Cape Cod to refurbish old houses and cash in on my lucrative VO clients I will have established in that year and a half. Clearly it was sheer brilliance. Sure, I had never built anything with my hands that was worthy of a payday, but it looked pretty good on TV. Also, how hard could it be for a slightly disheveled, balding kid with a terrible VO demo to get access to the decision makers and power brokers at major media outlets?

While the promise didn’t exactly work out as planned, this New York story does conclude eight years later with a much more satisfying ending.

A new career. New friends. A wonderful wife. A beautiful baby girl. A new life.

So thank you NYC for everything. I know things started a bit rough, but I think we really had something by the end. While there are too many people to mention, here are just a few who helped make it so special.

Thanks to Delia Stein who, once upon a time in 2003, reassured me that everything would be just fine for a Boston transplant in the city. This, of course, before she fled herself to greener pastures a few months later.

Thanks to Craig Alperowitz and Dana Mellecker who took a chance on a sweaty, awkward numbskull trying to get back east after a failed 6-month experiment in LA.

Thanks to Amirah Noaman for taking me in at 1 a.m. on a Sunday when I got to my door only to discover my keys were still in Boston. She was always a great neighbor, and remains a loyal friend even if she is a terrible Netflix co-member.

Thanks to Rurik Bradbury for a friendship that began by mocking the absurdities in the PR world and grew into one of mocking the absurdities in the real world. Also, it was Rurik who helped me first concept projects that would never see the light of day, thus preparing me for a bright future in advertising.

Thanks to Joe Sullivan, for always being an earpiece, voice of reason and calming presence in my life. It was especially nice to hear the phrase “I’m thinking of making the move to NYC,” about 2 months after I got here. That fall we hauled all of our stuff from Boston into a rat-infested, 3 BR in the shadow of the Port Authority with Ben Montgomery. Pure bliss, covered in rodent feces.

Thanks to Tari Ray and Julie Roth Novack for putting up a fight with my eponymous employer to get me over to Agency.com.

Thanks to Tom Ajello for seeing something in me, and helping me make the move to the creative side of the business. The short time we actually got to work together felt like a lifetime of learning that I still put to good use every day.

Thanks to Mat Zucker for having faith and patience. I’m sure it wasn’t easy or enjoyable for him to read some of that early copy. I’m wincing just thinking about it.

To Kevin Dreyfuss and Matt Carlin for helping a PR flack get his sea legs in the wobbly pirate ship of advertising. And more importantly, for introducing me to important cultural influences like DMZ, Tim & Eric, Breaking Bad, The Wire and all kinds of other crap.

Thanks to Ben Abramowitz for pushing me to be better. It was his regular ass kickings, honest feedback, and displays of trust that gave me the ability and the confidence to do great work. What may have began as a contentious relationship has grown into a true friendship. And I swear Ben, I won’t tell anyone about your situation on the west side highway.

Thanks to Adam Romero who was the art yin to my copy yang. He gave me some much needed swagger and know-how. I gave him salesmanship and an Oxford English Dictionary. To any aspiring junior advertising team, Adam and I highly recommend joining a boxing gym together. It does wonders for both the work and more importantly, the friendship.

Thanks to Nadav Markel for reigniting a good thing and teaching me the most important lesson of all: when your socks are too wet to keep wearing, find an old long sleeve shirt and cut off a sleeve. It will be a cheaper alternative to buying new socks. Advice that I will no doubt pass on to my kin.

Thanks to Paras Shah for his friendship, imbibing, conversations, award-winning karaoke performances and putting up with my anti-Pennsylvania rants designed exclusively to get under his skin. He’s one of those guys who everyone loves to be around, and I feel lucky having been able to spend so much time with him over the last 5 years.

Thanks to the future Heavyweight Champion of the World Josh Landers for kicking my ass outside of the ring and taking mercy on me inside it.

Most of all, thanks to Rachael Simon Cordella. If she didn’t IM me that Thursday afternoon, well, who knows what this note would look like. She made me realize just how great living in NYC could be, even when I had my doubts and frustrations. Everything I grew to love about living in the city stemmed from her enthusiasm and passion for what a unique place it truly is. She took the lead and I was happy to follow.

Punching Up Lights Out

2011-03-06T21:43:00.003-05:00

I've wanted to post my thoughts on FX's new boxing drama "Lights Out," but decided to wait until at least halfway through the season. Too often networks make programming decisions based on early ratings and keep new shows on a very short leash. This is where FX deserves a lot of credit. They believe in letting their programs find an audience and letting the writers actually develop characters without forcing them to fall into the quick gimmick. A game too many broadcast network goons play. While FX has certainly had their one and dones (Terriers, Testees), they far and away have one of the best success rates for continually delivering critically acclaimed shows.

HitFix' Sepinwall and Feinberg once described the premise as "Rocky V, if Rocky V didn't suck." Which is funny because the more I watch, the more I see the parallels to each of the characters between the Sly Stallone stinker and this show. Even the personalities are practically identical between the two sets of characters:

Lights = Rocky (former heavyweight champ from humble beginnings who doesn't know how to do anything else. Always wondering what he might have missed, punch drunk)

Theresa = Adrian (wet blanket wife, forces fighter to retire only to pull 180 and back him at fight time)

Pop = Mickey (old timer, mentor and fighting junkie. Prefers blood, sweat and tears to this modern "crap")

Johnny = Paulie (well-meaning brother whose selfishness puts protagonist in financial jeopardy)

Death Row Reynolds = Apollo (former opponent who won controversial decision over champ, comes to aid of champ in comeback)

Barry Word = George Washington Duke (evil fight promoter/bad don king rip-off)

Hal Brennan = Gazzo (local don, employer/financial backer of champ)

Omar = Tommy Gunn (cocky protege gone off the reservation, terrible haircut)

Characters aside, the show started off a bit sluggish. While the promos looked promising, the first few episodes had me wondering if FX had just recycled another obvious boxing story. The storyline had potential, but I was constantly distracted by the combination of ham-handed and cliched writing along with Razzy-worthy performances. By episode 3, it was hard to not look at this as just another cookie-cutter boxing story: Champ wins, champ loses, champ makes come back. However, I'm glad I stuck it out.

While many of the anecdotes and storylines were painful (I'm talking to you underground MMA fight), they were not in vein. Most helped move everything along for better. By the middle of the season, the stories and the characters were starting to go a bit deeper. Lights was more than just the heavyweight with a big heart. He was a wounded animal that still had a taste for blood. His desperation took a backseat to his love for fighting. It began to click. The episodes became much more watchable and the show began to break away from that Rocky V feeling. The execution could be painful at times (Seriously Mrs. Lights, Adrian was never this awful), but the good began to outweigh the bad. It was no surprise that things would work themselves out and Lights would win the big fight, but you didn't resent them for it as a viewer.

Early reviews have been positive, but the ratings have not been. The reality is boxing has a dwindling audience in reality, let alone fiction. Fans don't really care about a serial drama about a sport that has all but vanished from the sports landscape. So Lights Out will certainly have an uphill battle over the next few weeks. They'll likely find a similar fate to Terriers, a brilliant but canceled show that never found an audience.

Either way, I hope that Lights holds his own against Death Row Reynolds so that the show can get another shot. If that were the case, I'd love for them to dive into the darker corners of boxing and build around the shady the promoters, kickbacks and oppressive alphabet organizations. Part of me thinks that would have made a much more interesting, albeit likely less appealing show. Then again, part of me wants to see a former champ kick some ass every now and again.

2011-02-17T16:32:00.001-05:00

Missing Marathon Monday

2010-04-22T00:15:00.002-04:00

I moved from Boston to New York seven years ago. While I struggled to get used to things like the constant media onslaught or the smells, the experience I've had in New York is unlike most other places in the world. Afterall, I've been able to do things here that I never dreamed possible like meeting my wife and being able to order tacos at 3 a.m. (not weighted equally, for the record). However, there are those times when no amount of late night tacos could ever make you feel 100% complete. Last Monday was one of those days. Patriot's Day. Marathon Monday. A state-wide holiday. It's a rite of passage in the Commonwealth that let's young kids hand out orange slices to world class runners and adults to hand out beers to the jogging schlubs who bring up the rear. Even though I've been to the NYC Marathon, nothing is like the 26.2 miles from Hopkinton to Boston where it seems like everyone is out watching. And they probably area because schools, businesses and government are all closed.

This year, I was especially difficult because my friend John Doole ran the marathon for Tedy's Team, a non-profit organization named after Tedy Bruschi that raises money and awareness for stroke. As a stroke survivor at age 29 , John has an amazing story to tell. He decided to put together a video about his situation and raise money for the cause at his site www.runforstroke.com.

Additionally, here's a segment on John and Tedy's Team produced by our good buddy Jeb Fisher at NESN:

While I know the race is over, I encourage you to watch John's story and support his cause in 2011 as he tries to take down his course time from this year. Who knows, maybe he'll need a running partner for along the way.

Firm Evidence

2010-01-04T15:51:00.001-05:00

Remember Movember

2009-12-03T14:32:00.004-05:00

What is Movember, besides a great name? Its the one time of the year when the world gets together to help keep men's junk healthy. Sure, it's probably has a bit more direction than that, but the premise is simple: grow a mustache to raise awareness and funds for Men's Health organizations such as The Prostate Cancer Foundation and The Lance Armstrong Foundation. In the name of giving, stop motion and facial hair, I present my contribution to Movember.

Week 2: Douchebags face enslaught of Goo.

2009-09-24T17:34:00.003-04:00

Social media folks have used many titles to describe their prowess: Ninja, expert, assassin, strongman and mom. But its the Guru that comes up big. Or in our case, the Gooroo. Aaron Strout's squad wrangles the title away from Kevin Dreyfuss' Douchebags o Liberty after putting up an impressive 125 points against the Militant Pacifists.

The biggest jump of the week belongs to Ian Schafer's Augmented Brutality, moving up 6 spots in the power rankings and 4th in the league standings. The biggest fall goes to Ken Sigel's Sobchak's Rollers after a brutal loss to the Doucebags. Looking like a child who wanders in in the middle of a movie and wants to know...

Anyway, here are the week 2 power rankings with change in rank noted next to the team.

Power Rankings for Week 2.
1. Social Media Gooroos +5
2. Douchebags o Liberty -1
3. Viral Gardeners -1
4. Augmented Brutality +6
5. Schaffer Soul -1
6. CFL is Real Football -3
7. Hard Knox Life -2
8. Munoz Mustache Club 0
9. PDX Classic 0
10. Militant Pacifists +1
11. Sobchak's Rollers -4
12. egocrusher 0

Week 1 Power Poll: Patriotic Douchebags Cleanse the Compeition

2009-09-15T10:40:00.006-04:00

With the first week of the Social Media Fantasy Football League (SMFFL) in the books, here's a delayed Power Poll. Kevin Dreyfuss' Douchebags o Liberty take the top spot after an impressive week one win over Ricky Engelberg's PDX Classic. Only a few small shifts in power rankings with Dave Knox getting the 5th spot after a tough loss to Mack Collier's Viral Gardeners.

Week 1 Power Poll
Douchebags o Liberty 1-0-0 121
The Viral Gardeners 1-0-0 110
CFL is real football 1-0-0 97
Schaeffer Soul 1-0-0 87
Hard Knox Life 0-1-0 85
Social Media Gooroos 1-0-0 80
Sobchak's Rollers 1-0-0 71
Munoz Mustache Club 0-1-0 76
PDX Classic 0-1-0 70
Augmented Brutality 0-1-0 60
Militant Pacifists! 0-1-0 64
egocrushers 0-1-0 60

Social Media Fantasy Football

2009-09-02T22:03:00.004-04:00

Last year, Dachis Group's Peter Kim got a bunch of social media gurus, ninjas, charlatans, and doplegangers together to exchange one kind of geekiness for another. After our inaugural fantasy football season, Peter and I discussed what improvements we'd want make to the league. First and foremost was to try to establish teams that were in it for the long(er) haul. So we're hoping to make this a keeper league where you can carry over one player per year. You'll forfeit the round you drafted him in, so it places an emphasis on value.

Among the returning and new players there's also a good mix of folks who work in different areas within social media including creative, advertising, consulting, user experience, strategy, marketing, etc. Consider this your official introduction to the league.

@80054giant, Mark O'Toole, (blog/twitter)

Augmented Brutality, Ian Schafer, (blog/twitter)

CFL Is Real Football, Brett Leach, (twitter)

Douchebags of Liberty, Kevin Dreyfuss, (blog/twitter)

*Hard Knox Life, Dave Knox, (blog/twitter)

Militant Pacifists, Paras Shah, (blog/twitter)

PDX Classic, Ricky Engelberg, (twitter)

Sobchak's Rollers, Ken Sigel, (twitter)

*Social Media Gooroos, Aaron Strout, (blog/twitter)

*The Viral Gardeners, Mack Collier, (blog/twitter)

*egocrushers, Peter Kim, (blog/twitter)

*Munoz Mustache Club, Dan Cordella, (blog/twitter)

* - return player

Now that everyone has met each other and exchanged pleasentries, go forth and talk smack. Enjoy.

Pro/Con Movie Review: The Goods

2009-08-16T11:00:00.004-04:00

I'll take a chance on almost any Ferrel/McKay product. In addition to Anchorman and Step Brothers, the duo gave us Eastbound and Down, the best new comedy of the last year. But for every two winners, there's the occasional Land of the Lost. Although, in fairness to the duo, they usually are not involved in the shaping of Ferrell's recent stinkers (I'm talking to you too, Semi-Pro).

So, naturally I was willing to catch a showing of The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard. After all, it's Neal Brennan's directorial debut and if he brought 1/2 of the vision he brought to Chapelle's Show, then it would be in decent shape.

Pros:

Katheryn Hahn bringing hilarious sexual energy.
The Daily Show alums pulling their weight (Ed Helms playing a nimwit boybander, Rob Riggle as 10 year old with pituitary problem).
A handful of comedic that-guys.
A Ferrell cameo, albeit not his best, but a cameo.
Yet Another paycheck for Ken Jeong.

Cons:

Piven's got nothing.
Seriously, Piven brings nothing to the role.
The story is formulaic and predictable.
Under-utilized comedic all-stars.
Hahn being relegated to a bit part.
Lame-o joke writing.
Have I mentioned that Piven did nothing for this film?

While it wasn't an abomination, it wasn't anything I'd consider rewatching like some of its other Ferrell/McKay brethren. The biggest disappointment was that Piven just repurposed a lamer, more crude Ari Gold. It felt and looked like a paycheck part. It also made me question whether Piven can be a leading man, even in a screwball comedy. He was more charming and believable in his first comedy lead, PCU, than he was in this film 15 years later. I'll let this one slide for Ferrell/McKay and even Brennan, but I probably won't get behind any more Piven lead films any time soon.

Pro/Con Movie Review: Into the Wild

2009-07-27T23:57:00.004-04:00

Last fall I sat down with Ladybird to watch “Into the Wild,” Sean Penn’s beautifully shot tribute to tramping. Based on the Jon Krakauer book (and his previous Outside magazine article “Death of an Innocent”), “Into the Wild” tells the story of young Christopher McCandless’s transformation from brilliant child of privilege in a dysfunctional home to Alaska-aspiring backpacking gypsy Alexander Supertramp. After watching and enjoying the movie, Ladybird recommended I pick up the book, which she had already read. Within the first few chapters I was hooked. I couldn’t put it down. And I already knew the ending. It didn’t matter. Krakauer had me. His storytelling method was brilliant as he trekked across the country retracing McCandless’s path up to his ultimate demise at the hands of the Alaskan wilderness.

When Ladybird was out to watch the latest Katherine Heigel boner deflater, I was fortunate enough to come home to see “Into the Wild” on TV. Now I could watch it uninterrupted from a different perspective having read the book.

After the first hour I became torn. I began picking up these little pieces from the film that were detracting from both my previous viewing and reading experiences. I couldn’t decide if this film was good, or I just loved the story so much that I was talking myself into it. So, I made a list of pros and cons based on my personal tastes, preferences and opinions. I wanted to see a) if this movie was as good as I thought and b) is it rewatchable.

Pros
• Visually stunning scenery makes me want to live among wolves and bears.
• ALASKA!
• Eddie Vedder’s voice making crucial plot points even more potent and relevant.
• Vince Vaughn being so damn likable, even as a scam artist.
• A genuinely emotional, yet brief relationship between Hal Holbrook and Emile Hirsch.
• Emile Hirsch being the perfect amount of annoying for the character.
• William Hurt and Marcia Gay Harden as oppressive and dysfunctional parents
• Sean Penn not caving into Hollywood pressure and keeping the heartbreaker ending.
• Emile Hirsch getting all method on our asses.

Cons
• Sweaty hippie sex
• Forced Kristen Stewart relationship that dragged story down
• Emile Hirsch doing Emile Hirsch things
• Underutilized and unnoticed Zach Galifinakis cameo
• Sean Penn encouraging actors to break the 4th wall
• Awkward fonts and graphic treatments
• Emile Hirsch and his hairy penis floating down river
• 2 and a half fucking hours

In the end, I realized that as much as I loved the story, there was one thing that prevented this movie from being both very good and rewatchable. The 148 minute runtime makes it too damn long to sit through repeatedly. Loved the characters, soundtrack and scenery, but just not enough to make me watch it again. Maybe instead I’ll just download the songs and flip on Planet Earth while rereading the Krakauer book.

Movin' on up

2009-04-14T11:36:00.007-04:00

When determining the bottom of the barrel of New York professionals it usually goes something like this:

-Investment bankers
-Crack dealers
-Illegal Arms traders
-Real Estate agents

Although I'm pretty sure those are interchangeable. If it were up to Ladybird and me, real estate agents would vault to the top (or bottom depending on how you look at it) of that list. However, it wasn't always that way. We actually held NY rentals agents in high regard. We thought they were the ones with the power to deliver people to a good home. Friendly voices that would comfort us through a stressful search. People to listen to what we wanted and match us with a perfect residence. Stupid us.

With weekends out of town in Mid-April and a May 1 move date, we packed our first (and pretty much only) search weekend with appointments starting on Friday night and went straight through Sunday afternoon. They were packed so tight, that we feared even the slightest delay would cause a chain reaction of tardiness, leading into a downward spiral which left us blackballed by the Manhattan Real Estate Brokers mafioso and, ultimately, homeless. We would stick to our plan, meet everyone on time and find a place by Sunday at 6 p.m.

We probably should figured that it was going to be a bit bumpy when our first broker, Sarah at Best Apartments, didn't bother to show up because she had an audition. Her boss informed us that that Sarah likely didn't have anything for us anyway. Well, then.

From there, the rest of our weekend became a blur of subway rides and meetings with Manhattan's real estate intellectual elite like Piero. He decided to host an open house for an apartment he wasn't legally allowed to rent. He also happened to be from Best Apartments, the downtown branch.

With each appointment we came a little bit closer to moving back to Boston. Many brokers didn't even have keys to open the doors. They relied on buzzing every tenant and hoping someone jumped at the chance to let a complete stranger into their building. Some brokers just didn't even bother showing up. James from New York Living Solutions told us that the first places he showed were really just to "kill time until he could get the keys for the better ones." This, of course, came minutes after us informing him that we're on a tight schedule.

After smarmily telling us we wouldn't find anything in our price range, Britney from Mark David Realty got us lost on the subway and locked out of every place she promised to show us. Apparently she wouldn't find anything in our range either.

Our last appointment of the day was with Ehren, who promised 2-3 places in our range. All we had to do was come to the office and we'd head out from there. Of course when we showed up we saw the company name on the front door - Best Apartments. Ladybird suggested we cut our losses and walk away before we even step inside. Of course we naively gave them the benefit of the doubt. Afterall, maybe it was just a few bad apples we encountered in their other two locations. Not everyone in the company must have been a transplant recipient of a baboon brain. Alas, we were right. Some had gotten orangutan brains. Others had acquired ones from apes. I'm not sure which one Ehren had, but it wasn't a brain that could remember our conversation from 15 minutes prior. She had no apartments to show. If we got anything out of them, its that we learned Best Apartments is indeed a primate's dream workplace.

By the time Sunday evening rolled around we had seen 4 habitable appartments. All of which were shown to us by an overly eager, speedwalking Israeli man who told us how Ladybird and I could have a hot shower together while enjoying a slight river view. If we tilted our heads to the left.

My carefully crafted list of select real estate specialists was about be used for self-imposed paper cuts, a less painful option than meeting with the names actually on it.

After a minor freakout each night of the week, we met Reison Dominguez from A.C. Lawrence. Ladybird was skeptical since the apartment we met him at was covered in scaffolding. But that changed the second he showed her the open kitchen space and brand new floors. He took us from place to place, talked us through each one and prepped us for what we were going to see. He even had keys for each one. How novel.

Our first two places fell through: one was bad timing and the other because of a bidding war. Yes, a bidding war for rent in a crappy economy. Reison knew our tight timeline and helped us lock in a place 14 hours after our other ones fell through. It was a bit more than we wanted to pay but at that point we didn't care. It was by far the nicest building we saw and our rental car back to Boston was already idling. We had to blow town.

In the end, we are happy to have met Reison and already referred him to two friends in their search. It's a shame that for every Reison there are 10 Britney, Ehren, and Pieros in the New York real estate rental market. Even in a down economy, when brokers should be dying to make sales, connections and customers, there just aren't enough honest, capable folks to do the job. If nothing else, this experience makes me feel good to know that if my current career falls through, I can make a living in New York real estate rentals. Apparently all it takes is actually getting some keys, a little bit of listening, and a brain that's slightly more evolved than a primate.

Michael McDonald will always B there.

2009-03-04T23:41:00.009-05:00

Saw this on Family Guy tonight:

Which made me realize that Michael McDonald is the hardest working man in the music business:

Find more videos like this on www.truveo.com.

And got me thinking about how "What a Fool Believes" got made:

Which ultimately lead to him changing hip-hop forever:

Enjoy the smooth sounds.

Sleeper Hold

2009-02-21T16:13:00.005-05:00

Last night really began for me in the mid-1980's. I would sneak out of bed or fake some sort of insomnia/illness just to get a glimpse of Saturday Night Live. Of course, when I became a bit more technically inclined, I would just set the VCR and catch up on what I missed the next morning. Hartman, Carvey, Nealon, Miller, Myers, Hooks, Lovitz, and Dunne all became a regular presence in my popular culture.

So, when I heard that a former SNL writer from that era was taking over Letterman's spot, I couldn't help but fall in love with at least the idea. It was a perfect fit. For the first time, a network was bringing a bit of the SNL style and edge to weekday late night talk-show format. How could it go wrong? At least for us geeks who obsessed over it's weekend predecessor.

It's been documented ad nauseaum about Conan's short-comings during his first few years. To add insult to injury, my 11th grade history teacher, Mrs. French was Conan's cousin. And when we asked what she thought of his first week, all she could muster up was a "ehhhh." But I didn't care because like almost every great SNL skit from that era, there was sure to be something memorable about the show, either good and bad.

The rest is history. Things settled down. The show found its groove and regularly hit it out of the park. Conan never really grew into the role of interviewer, but it didn't matter. He knew how to make a generation laugh in a different way: Skits, self-deprecating humor, bringing guests in on the joke and great characters. Here's some of my favorites from Conan's first foray into the late night world.

The agency identity crisis

2009-02-11T21:53:00.003-05:00

Quick question (OK, 2):
1) Is your agency, you know, if you work for an agency, more set up to succeed at Cannes or SXSW?

2) Do you want said agency to be more Cannes or SXSW?

Recession Television

2009-01-06T10:58:00.008-05:00

With the impending doom that is Jay Leno taking over the 10 p.m. spot and reality TV becoming more of a primetime staple, network television continues to devolve to the lowest common denominator. Less original programs, more crapola. And we're just supposed to deal with it. Thanks, a lot dickweeds.

Access and reach of digital media, looser basic cable standards & practices as well as a wider dissemination of quality programming have all helped do a number on the old network dominance. While they haven't been left in the dust, they have certainly been beaten around quite a bit. As they deserve be. They can't keep up using an antiquated and ineffective ratings system as well as an ad model that can feel too intrusive (you don't think we see how bad and blatant your product placement is, but we do). That doesn't mean they should stop at least feigning interest in the average viewer. With a recession hanging over us like a pungent fart that isn't going away no matter how many windows are open, is this the time for networks to make a play and take back at least a shred of their dignity? Anywhoo, here's a few thoughts as to what those dirtbags can do to get off their ass and come back with. Afterall, America loves a comeback.

Saturday Night at the Fights
Yes, I know I'm biased when it comes to boxing, but the PPV model for big name fighters is so hit-or-miss (no pun intended). People who paid $50 for De La Hoya - Pacquaio last month were treated to an entire card that was uncompetitive with the first 3 fights only going a total of 5 rounds. Will people shell out $40 to watch Miguel Cotto in a warm-up fight? Probably not in this economy. But will they watch him in a free fight on network TV against a worthy, but unlikely victorious opponent? Of course. PPVs can still work, but they can't work in a silo. HBO's reach is too small and the sport isn't being exposed to the same broad audience that MLB, NBA or NFL are. Hell, the XFL even had bigger reach than boxing. Perhaps network can't live alone either, but be an integral cog in a 3 tier system.

Tier 1 - PPV
Only the biggest fights of the year get a PPV match (Unification fights, pound for pound champs, etc.).

Tier 2 - Network
Networks show championship fights in less popular weight classes (featherweight, cruiserweight, heavyweight) as well as warm-up fights for big-name champs in the major classes (welterweight, middleweight). Its also a perfect venue to introduce the rising stars as well as segue Olympic heroes into the pros. Oscar De La Hoya did a good job of this last year on HBO, creating both an original series (24/7) and having free fights against a known fighter to get people talking prior to Pacquaio (Oscar vs. Forbes).

This is a prime idea for folks like Viacom/Showtime to get a piece of this action from HBO and promote their own ShoBox PPV agenda.Viacom actually had a decent idea with the EliteXC programming, but they were in bed with the minor leagues.

Tier 3 - ESPN
Let the diehards have their weekly programming featuring pros at all levels and records. Those who are truly fans of the sport will stick with this.

If for no other reason, networks should consider it because of the cost. It's cheaper to produce one of these events and pay for a big name fighter than create some crappy mystery-drama that no one is watching.

Commercial free programming
Sure, it's gimmicky, but who cares. Solo sponsors and limited interruptions are sometimes used for for season premieres or truly big events. So what about if an entire network shifted its primetime ad model to deliver a block of programming with one sponsor? It will draw attention and show consumers that the network cares about entertaining first and selling second.

Go through the line
Yes, I did just throw out some incredibly lame dickfaced advertising speak. My apologies. However, terminology aside, wouldn't it be interesting if ABC partnered with a FunnyorDie.com or College Humor to continue an online show in primetime and vice-versa? Its storytelling at its best that helps create deeper characters, richer storylines and keep people's attention long enough without boring them. These sites have star power that can capture a TV audience as well as an online one. More importantly, its an opportunity for networks and digital media with huge fan bases to work together and create a farm system to nurture talent from within. Just as SNL moves cast members through their hallways and into movies, networks can spinoff the talent (with a built-in fanbase) from these shorter programs into their own shows.

Admittedly, its a tall order to ask people to go back and forth between mediums to stick with a story, but if the programming is good enough and the segments are taken out of the traditional 30 Minute format, it may be enough to keep people intrigued, which leads us to:

45 minute comedy
24 minutes never seems enough for an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and the 1 hour Office specials always had too much filler. Why not find that happy medium and give people a little bit more, but not too much that they tune out?

Commercial of the year

2008-12-19T15:46:00.001-05:00

I don't know why I'm only seeing this now. I work in advertising for crying out loud. Great storytelling and beautifully shot by David Fincher. Too bad LT doesn't move like that anymore. Or is it more telling that he gets stopped by Polamalu?

A Job on the Jobber

2008-12-03T21:32:00.003-05:00

As I prepare for the release of the movie I'm most looking forward to this year (and the triumphant return of one Mickey Rourke), I couldn't help take a look back at some of my favorite old WWF characters. The top of the list includes Rowdy Roddy Piper and his Piper's Pit segment. Every week Piper would interview some schlub and 99.99% of the time, it would end up with Piper berating and beating the poor guest. The one that stands out is his interview with legendary jobber Frankie Williams. Just one of the worst performing wrestlers of my youth, Piper delivers a particularly savage beating to the journeyman. Enjoy.

Hefty Lefties

2008-11-21T19:54:00.003-05:00

For those who love the pomp and circumstance of the Boston Red Sox and downright craftiness (read: seediness) of southpaws, check out the latest article on the Sox' greatest lefties at NESN.com. Jeb Fisher lists the top 8 in team history and even treats visitors to the history of one very special nickname. If for no other reason, check it out because he compared one pitcher to a "malnourished giraffe".

Misty Peppers!

2008-11-16T12:26:00.002-05:00

The power of Hulu has brought joy to me and the ladybird. It's also reminded me to create a safe word in case we ever ended up at some strange key party. Mine will probably be "Farina Hot Cereal". If your looking for inspiration, feel free to check out one of our favorite sketches from the early days of Tina Fey as an actress. Of course, they turned Horatio Sans' character into a regular and spoiled the fun of the skit. But afterall, beating a skit or character into the room is what they seem to do best. Regardless, enjoy Misty and Jean-George Peppers at their finest.

Marital Inspiration

2008-11-11T22:21:00.002-05:00

The day before my wedding, my best man saw that I was a wee bit tense. I suppose lifetime commitment will do that to a guy. Like a good best man should, he reminded me that no matter how I felt, no matter what I was thinking at that moment, I could always seek comfort in the company of some furry friends.

I'm sure ladybird didn't appreciate me telling her to "say hello to her mother" and that seeing her was "blowing my mind, right now." The good news is that she didn't have a choice. The place was paid for.

The Million Dollar Man

2008-11-11T21:58:00.004-05:00

Meet Seth McFarlane, Fox's newest $100 Million Man.

Humbled

2008-11-06T12:34:00.002-05:00

Just catching up on campaign ads from around the country and was thinking about the lack of those well scripted, emotionally driving ads I grew up with. They told a story without having to shove an attack on an opponent or campaign talking point in your face. Many used metaphors, but even at their most basic, they were simple visual, audio and message elements that were constructed in such a way to resonate and strike a heart string. That's when I stumbled upon this ad from the Tom Udall's victorious New Mexico Senatorial race. It's simple and heart wrenching. Also, Tom Udall,'s humbled message at the end comes across as sincere, unlike so many politicians.

Bureaucrat the vote

2008-11-04T11:07:00.001-05:00

Congrats to nyc election officials for another outstanding year of inefficiences in the voting process. In the primaries my polling place locked out an entire party from eligibility. Today in the general, it was 3 seperate lines and making ladybird do affidavit voting because they forgot to transfer her signature. Oh yeah, they spelled her name wrong too.

While I'm on the warpath, 1) what about asking for some ID when you get to the booth. Voter fraud wouldn't be so scary if it weren't so east and believable. And 2) lay out what a yes and no vote on questions mean. These convoluted descriptions do a great job of using double negatives but a terrible job of making sense. More rants coming later as the "most important election of all time for eternity," or watever proclaimation they are giving it now, unfolds.

2008-11-03T21:56:00.001-05:00

Trying life cast out.

Geolocate this post

Posted with LifeCast

Blogwriter

2008-11-03T21:43:00.001-05:00

Trying out the blogwritter iPhone app. So far it makes me want to use it versus the alternative: watching desperate housewives with ladybird. More to report after I check this badboy out on the site.

Music Videos, done your way

2008-10-21T11:04:00.004-04:00

Now THIS is something different. While I'm not a huge Breeders fan, I am a fan of this idea. Watch the music video from four different perspectives. Switching at any time puts you right in the action of that story, which unfolds simultanously.

I love that musician's are adopting interactivity or just online behaviors/attitude when it comes to creating their own entertainment. This is just another example of how to do it right, while the corporate goons at iTunes, record labels and elsewhere still badly muck it up.

Soxblog

2008-10-19T17:46:00.003-04:00

While I haven't had time to write full blog posts about the Sox ridiculous series (you know, given that I just became legally hitched to the ladybird and all), I invite anyone who is still actually reading this farce of a blog to check out the filthyfowl on Twitter. I've been microblogging the game (along with other foolish items in my life), and would love to have you along for the ride. Also, if you are into that whole twitter thing, follow the #redsox hashtag on Summize.com. There are some interesting folks who contribute a whole lot more than just cursing out Buck Martinez like yours truly.

My Voice Armor of Flesh

2008-10-05T00:22:00.002-04:00

Enjoy my voice over debut on Monday Night Football two weeks ago. Enjoy watching the half half man, half-machine in action.

A lonely fantasy Island

2008-09-23T12:14:00.004-04:00

So far my fantasy football season is anything but. Between the real-life injury to a certain MVP QB and the fact that I'm relying on Matt Schaub to lead the Munoz Moustache Club to victory, it's been a rough start. It especially hurts considering some guys are carrying 2 kickers and 2 defenses without having checked their team for the first 2 weeks of the season. Meanwhile I'm hording fantasy mags and stalking Matthew Berry outside the World Wide Leader offices in Bristol. To paraphrase Craig T. Nelson, Fantasy Sports can be a cruel Bitch mother.

As our league's Tuesday Morning Quarterback, Peter Kim has laid out the standings and shown the world what a pathetic little turd monger I am. Times are rough for the squad. That's why I'm opening it up to anyone. I'll listen to any suggestions for trades I should make. Here's the breakdown:

Strengths:
RB: Willis McGahee, Brian Westbrook, Felix Jones, Steve Slayton

Weakness:
QB: Matt Freakin' Shaub, Jason Campbell
TE: Dallas Clark, Dante Rosario

Could Improve:
WR: Andre Johnson, Devery Henderson, Tory Holt, Roy Williams

The problem is that Williams and Johnson haven't gotten going and Tory Holt has a limp biscuit throwing to him. While beefing up WR would be nice, my immediate concern is to get a QB who can score more than 10 points per game. That would be a nice start. I'm sure I'd have to get rid of a RB to do it, but c'est la vie. In the immortal words of Stuart Scott, Lemme know.

Meet the Analrapist

2008-08-26T22:01:00.003-04:00

His advice - unorthodox. His passion - undeniable. His headshot - stunning.

Meet my new favorite member of the Twitterati: Dr. Tobias Funke.

Wackness of Nostalgia

2008-07-27T21:55:00.003-04:00

My entire body feels like a scrotum trapped in tighty whites. While treking through Cambodia. Wearing corduroy pants.

It's hot. Damn hot. Too damn hot to sit around and sulk about the Red Sox potentially being swept later that night. The ladybird and I need relief.

While I'd prefer an air conditioner shooting directly down my shorts, I'll take relief any way I can get it. Even if that means a trip into Manhattan. We are so desperate, we head to the Times Square AMC - the same place that inspired a Tracey Morgan SNL skit and makes me seriously fear getting crushed by an escalator every time I exit.

The Dark Knight is playing, but the fan boys and screen shouters are still out in full force for that one. Instead, we're just in time to catch "The Wackness," a small coming-of-age-comedy-meets-drama-meets-indie film that had some initial appeal when I saw the trailer a few months ago. Afterall, the tagline was: "Summer 1994. The girls were fly. The music was dope. And Luke was just trying to deal." I'm such a sucker for a) good music b) anything about teenagers in the early 90's c) indie coming of age films. Perfect.

The Wackness is the story of a pot-dealing teen who exchanges his crop for therapy with an eccentric psychologist (is there any other kind in indie movies?), all while he falls in love with said psychologist's step-daughter during the summer before college.

A quick disclaimer as I may be somewhat biased: The summer of 1994 was the second best one of my life. It was the first summer with my own car, and I had a hot girlfriend I met on the beach during my killer lifeguard job. To top it off, I was heading into my Senior year in the best physical shape of my life and had just been introduction to the wonder of Great Woods concerts. End disclaimer.

The movie's setting was ideal because I could relate to many of the issues at that age/time. Lots of good hip-hop music layed the foundation as Luke (Josh Peck) began fall in love with Stephanie (Olivia Thirlby), and build an almost awkward friendship with Dr. Squires (Ben Kingsley). As Josh sold weed out of his ice cart as his summer job, his parents fought relentlessly about money, the pain of being a social outcast slowly began to fade away as he becomes closer with Stephanie.

The acting was fine, and the story was actually very sweet. Young love is too often cliche in movies with the protagonists falling in and out of love with one another, all while they learn valuable life lessons that neatly tie up loose ends in 90 minutes with everyone happy. While Josh, Stephanie and Squires all learn lessons, it doesn't come as easy as you may think and it certainly doesn't end up with that sugar pop feeling most teen romances do in movies. SImply put, it was one of the first teen-based movies that didn't make me wince.

But while I'd recommend the movie for the music, story and even some parts of the writing, there is one big part of the movie that I can't overlook. The overuse of nostalgia and name-dropping. We get that people played Nintendo, blew the cartridges, and listened to Biggie Smalls. It would be one thing for us to recognize that though the details of the movie's art direction and soundtrack. It's another when they remind us what's happening through the dialogue. Constantly. It's a classic case of telling, now showing. And unfortunately, it made me uncomfortable for a good portion of an otherwise pretty good film.

The inside jokes hit the mark much better (method man "the actor" dancing and nodding to "method man" the rapper in the background) and made the viewer feel like they were part of something funny and special.

Overall, the film was endearing and personal. It didn't need all the obvious time stamp references that distracted from a very unique way of showing that love is fucked up and cruel and wonderful, at the same time. Too bad. I was feeling the same way back in '94.

My attempt at mixing the rainbow

2008-07-18T09:36:00.001-04:00

Fight! Fight!

2008-07-17T18:05:00.004-04:00

If anyone is interested in watching people beat the crap out of each other, but don't want to pay a lot to see it, I highly recommend tonight's Rumble on the River. It's good amateur boxing under the lights with beautiful Jersey City as a backdrop. Oh yeah, and its free.

Here's the details:
Pier 84 (44th and west side highway)
7:00 first bell
Sponsored by Church St. Boxing Gym (yes, I know its a shameless promotion for my own boxing gym).

Finally

2008-06-25T13:40:00.005-04:00

I got off my fat, filthy ass (or in today's case, filthy eye), and purchased www.newyorkhateofmind.com. Don't forget to change your bookmark, even though the old address still works and will redirect you here. Oh, and tell your friends. That will bring me up to 4 readers.

But the name is just the beginning. You, my lovely readers (aka Dad) can expect more changes. For instance, see those lovely subscribe buttons on the right? Yes, now you can get the Fowl in lovely RSS, My Yahoo or iGoogle form. Oh, how delightful.

Now if only I could figure out how to make my page look less like digital rhino vomit.

Just a quick reminder

2008-06-23T16:13:00.000-04:00

This is your NBA Champion.

Rally Monkey Wrench

2008-06-19T14:01:00.009-04:00

In his 1986 address to the raucous crowd at City Hall Plaza in Boston, Larry Bird memorably stated, "there's only one place I'd rather be. And thats French Lick, IN". While I disagree with the location (even if your from there, who really wants to spend more time in French Lick than they have to?), I can't disagree with the sentiment.

Here was Bird, a basketball deity in Boston, addressing hundreds of thousands of his loyal servants. Those who bowed at his feet simply because we felt privileged to watch him lead our beloved sports franchise to victory. Bird was soaking in the moment and realized, I am the best in the world and I helped provide joy in the lives of these people. And you know what? We both deserved it. Us, because it let us escape our problems, doldrums and headaches of every day life. Him, well, because he's Larry Bird.

Sadly, the days of the City Hall Plaza rally are gone. Thrown out the window after the 2001 Patriots stunned the world and Larry Izzo lead a delirious crowd in a "Yankees Suck" chant. Instead, Boston fans now must celebrate as amphibious vehicles take unidentifiable players, coaches, families and staff through the city streets. Not only are we subject to furiously scanning each vessel for our favorite players, but we have to deal with the added layers of names and faces adding to the clutter.

The worst part of the parade is that there's no build up, no euphoric climax and no sense of true salute. Just an hour of guys on wheeled boats traveling through the street. When they turn the last corner, that's the last we see of them until next season.

While it's been cited as a potential public safety violation in the past, I think its time to bring back the rally. With 6 parades in 6 years (and that pathetic Ray Bourque gathering), Boston fans have gotten the kinks out. We know how to celebrate properly, responsibly and (mostly) chaos free. The city throws a rally for teams before they head out to a big game, so why not after? Players talk to the crowd of their game day intentions, so why not celebrate the actual achievements? Can you only imagine if Schilling got to talk about life after Game 2? Or if Pedro got to say thanks to a city that already knew he threw his last pitch there? Or an emotional Paul Pierce finally standing tall after all the ups and downs over the years? The possibilities are endless. It's time Boston stepped it up and brought goosebumps to the next generation.

See images from rallies past.

Finals Game 4 Preview Haiku

2008-06-12T14:47:00.004-04:00

I've written three haiku's for the first three games of the Finals and not posted them. I'm an asshole. So forget the summary, here is my pre-game Haiku. Take it its aromatic 5-7-5 blend.

"Pass it," says Spaniard
Swarming KG shuts him down
Back to eating cheese

House Wears Cassell shirt
Trying to sneak into game
The alien sits

Pierce returns to form
Slays the europeans bad
Locker room still smells

Flying High for Game 1

2008-06-05T16:15:00.004-04:00

I know, its obnoxious. First the Red Sox, then the Pats, now the C's. Boston's having quite a run with championship series, and the rest of America ain't likin' it one bit. While I've long given up the hope that the country would cheer for a Boston team, I'm hoping this is the series where it may happen again. Maybe it'll be because Kobe seems like a selfish, despicable person. Maybe it'll be because people think Pau Gasol is one of those arrogant Europeans who deliberately dropped a letter from his name to be unique. Maybe it'll be because they believe Sasha Vujacic smells like old cheese. Whatever the case, I'm making my pitch to middle America to pull for the C's.

Paul Pierce was stabbed 11 times and still made it back a month later for opening day. You got an ingrown hair and called in sick for 2 days. http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

Doc Rivers is mentally challenged. Wouldn't it be nice to see someone like that win a championship?

There's a greater chance that Kobe Bryant will impregnate your daughter than any other player on the court.

Ray Allen took care of his little sister after his father was sent to jail for accidentally murdering their mother. Ray not only took care of his little sister, but he also freed his dad's soul by picking Big State. They even captured the whole story on film starring Ray Allen.
http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif
Luke Walton's father is this man.

That's it for today. You can read the twitter for hot, blogging action live from .

Game 5 Haiku

2008-05-29T10:06:00.003-04:00

After last night's near collapse, I decided to take out my aggressions and put some thoughts into the beloved creative outlet that is Haiku. Anyone can write scathing blog posts or columns. I'll honor Japanese basketball fans and take the anti-CHB approach.

Ray Ray finds his stroke
Someone get the refs laid soon
'Sheed's got crazy brain

Painful fourth quarter
Detroit starts to make its move
Not so fast, says Perk

Doc gone before 6
Unprecedented, but not
Unbelievable

Living Life as King of the Ring

2008-04-23T17:18:00.002-04:00

My devout followers (read: Dad), know that I've been boxing for about 1 year at the Church Street Boxing Gym. My first class started last April and because I had so much fun, I continued with a 6 month membership to take me through the fall. While it took me a while to get a lot of the moves and punches down, I always felt good about going. I didn't have as many excuses for absence like I did with another gym. Part of that was because I always had a trainer taking me through routines, but a bigger part was that I had a romantic vision of me dropping an opponent at center ring.

The carrot of an amateur fight has always been dangling in front of me, but it wasn't until the start of 2008 that I began to take it seriously. I had started going 1-2 times in the morning and began to lose weight, but I wasn't really seeing results. My trainer had an honest discussion and said that if I wanted to have a fight and drop to a weight class that where I wouldn't be fighting someone who was 16" taller than me, then I had to start running and eating right. Cut back on fatty foods, eat smaller portions and of course, '86 the booze. Damn.

Because I consistently felt like shit and could never motivate to do it on my own, I took him up on the offer. So began 4 days a week, 3+ miles running each day, no weight lifting, and a strict focus on the technique. While my body is still in the middle of a major transformation from "fat ass" to "slightly smaller fat ass," I've gotten to a place with my weight and boxing skills that I'm ready to start hitting others spar.

Which leads me to the reason I'm writing this post. Friday is sparring day. I assume I'm fighting Josh (my trainer) or Ariel (another trainer who also punched me in the face before I even landed my punch directed at his face). I don't know what to expect (or what injuries to expect), but its time to put up or shut up. This will assess my skills to see if I'm ready for a real amateur fight this summer. I could be a quick footed power puncher who shocks the world. Or I could be the lumbering large Italian who is barely awake by the opening bell. Something tells me it will be the latter.

Let me stand next to your fire.

2008-04-18T10:43:00.006-04:00

Welcome to NYC, the only place this side of Baghdad where you can see a car blow up in the middle of the street for no apparent reason. My buddy and I were out taking an afternoon stroll, picking up some libations for a work event when we stumbled upon billowing smoke one block away. Instead of being normal people and running away from the first site of danger, our inner New Yorker took over and we walked closer to the scene. We discovered this sweet ride as you see it here. Moments after we started walking away, we heard a burst. Me thinks it was the gas tank. Thankfully no one was hurt. The best part was that before the fire dept. or major networks were there, the fine folks at Univision were the first on the scene.

Even eerier was that it happened directly in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral. Two days before the Pope got there. Umm, Yeah. Yikes.

Falling in love with a Zero

2008-04-16T12:18:00.004-04:00

While trying to avoid listening to people jabber on and restate the obvious, I re-visited one of my favorite blogs in the last few years, The Agent Zero: The Blog File. Whatever you may think of him as a player, you can't deny that Gilbert Arenas is a breath of fresh air among today's athletes. He's open, honest and funny (whether intentionally or unintentionally). He's not afraid to speak his mind about other teams and players . He's the Hibachi, and I love him.

Some of Agent Zero's recent favorites:

On Distracting Other Players
"With a team like the Cavaliers and a player like LeBron, all you need is distractions. We got to be Bush. We got to be Bush-league. We’re having everybody talking about the war, when we just want to get the oil. We’re Bushing it. That’s all we’re doing. We’re trying distract LeBron over here while we try to get some wins over there. That’s all we’re doing."

On the Celtics Opening Night
"So once them guys get their niche, they’re going to be a good team. But November 2 for them, that’s going to be truh-bull. Trouble."

On Trade Rumors
"For the last couple weeks people have been calling me saying, “Are you coming back to L.A.?”

I’m like, “Yeah, I am … NOT.”"

On autographs
A fan sent a pair of his grandmother's underwear over to me when I was on the bench during a game the other day. He wanted me to sign them. It was a little awkward, but it was funny and cute -- kind of. In a weird way.

These are a few of my favorite things: Facebook edition

2008-04-15T21:28:00.002-04:00

Instead of watching either of the inane reality shows the ladybird is taping, I'm taking a cue from the great philanthropists and giving back. While I am far from Oprah Winfrey I thought I would share some of my favorite facebook apps with my favorite people. So here's to the 4 of you who take the time to read this blog.

Enjoy.

Scramble.
It's digital Boggle without the pop top. I must admit, I was suspicious of this game at first, and not just because of the trench coat and eyes peering out below the fedora brim. My Scrabulous friends started to make the switch when cheating began to run rampant. Maybe its because I thought it was just a lame crossword puzzle game, but I was wrong. Neither they nor I have turned back since. Despite losing to ladybird on an almost daily basis, I still find this as a pretty good alternative to Scrabble cheaters.

Chuck Norris Facts
Not nearly as awesome as when it first came out, I can still appreciate discovering new, important encyclopedic tidbits like the chief export of chuck Norris is pain.

Boostin Nuts
Its a simple and addictive game that Jeep put together. It's exactly what a paid facebook app/game should be because of its easy play and limited branding. Plus it involves squirrels falling from the sky.

TravelPod Traveler IQ Challenge
Finally, my geography prowess is paying off.

Suiting up for Sexy Time

2008-03-12T09:52:00.002-04:00

Thanks to my buddy Seth for passing this link along. Apparently there is some sort of manual or style guide for disgraced politicians.

The Tri-state area knows how to party

2008-03-11T09:45:00.004-04:00

Between yesterday's news about Client 9, 2003's corruption scandal and resignation of Conn. Gov. John Rowland and McGreevy's 2004 tryst with his homeland security advisor, I'd say the tri-state area knows how to party. Too bad we couldn't get Marion Barry up here and turn this motherfucker into a straight up party. It's good to know that when I'm looking for hoes and money, I can always rely on my local government.

While I've done my damage on Spitzer in the past, I do feel terrible for his family. Its difficult to go through something like this in private, never mind in the largest media market in the world. I just hope that Mrs. Spitzer can find peace and relief from what has happened sometime in her life.

One other thing: it amazes me that he's only "considering" resignation. For an attorney general that made his reputation by taking down things like organized crime and corporate greed, it's unbelievable to think that he would still do something like this. Sure, people can argue that he had needs, but a state official who would prosecute prostitution and then paying for sex just reeks of arrogance. Sorry Eliot, despite what you may think you aren't above the law.

Sorry, I suck

2008-01-15T16:49:00.000-05:00

I am lame. That is, unless you follow my twitter. Then you will see that I have been staying active in publishing inane bantering. Its just being done in quicker, mobile format. I'm also working on a new blog that will hopefully launch soon. It will give me more reason to actually write daily because its stuff I'm actually involved with (as opposed to trying to come up with topics out of thin air). In the meantime, enjoy this typing test. I scored an 83 with one wrong. What can you do?

http://speedtest.10-fast-fingers.com/

Chuck Norris Approved

2007-11-28T23:11:00.000-05:00

Finally a political candidate with a sense of humor.

HANK!

2007-11-27T16:02:00.000-05:00

I posted my favorite Starbucks commercial with Glen earlier this year, but here is another one I dig. Its simple, funny and gets the point across pretty well. Who knew commercials could do that? My favorite part might be the Hank mascot doing the worm at the end. I can just picture the ad team laughing about what kind of crazy stuff they can throw in. Bet it was a lot of fun to shoot.

The Agent Zero of Twitter

2007-11-15T22:15:00.000-05:00

Gilbert ain't got nothin' on me. While that may be a bit of a grandiose statement (an incomprehensible one to those unfamiliar with NBA superstar blogger Gilbert Arenas), I am proud to report that I have received my first "warning" following a series of fairly harsh twitter posts about work.

The post-twitter chat was nothing official or ominous, but it was certainly an eye opener of the pervasiveness and influence of microblogging. Much like bloggers, commenters and webmasters before, Microblogging has brought up a question of how we communicate and the lines we threaten to cross as a result. We must all distinguish those lines for ourselves. I've just had my first line drawing lesson.

Anyone who blogs or knows about blogs realizes that there are some basic rules to follow like not divulging corporate secrets or don't accidentally out yourself if your parents are southern baptists in Mississippi but don't know you are a cage dancer at the Manhole bar. And if you do either of those then you likely deserve to be fired and/or kicked in the gonads. But what about if your posts speak in generalities? What if they are more about general frustrations related to friends, co-workers or corporations? What about if you think it would be entertaining, enlightening or just informational to your audience? What is off limits?

All of those questions certainly are subjective and debatable, but today's instance made me think about something: Could Twitter be making me more passive aggressive or just needy for attention? Boundaries of communication and appropriateness are constantly changing. Most people can get away with a an obscene amount of infringements (and if you are a celebrity, your penance is usually just a trip to rehab).

I was thinking about the situation today and received an IM from a co-worker who presumably read my tweets. She reminded me that if I was frustrated, then I could always come chat with her and let her know if something wasn't working. And yes, I found it ironic that the reaching out was done electronically. Instead of calling bullshit after the initial incident, I hit the twittersphere. Part of it was because it was late and open ears were few, but my initial instinct had me talking about it in the open.

I can't blame technology or society for my actions, but I'm sure I'll try to convince myself at some point. And the whole discussion around these technologies encouraging isolationism rather than individualism is just beginning. But the bottom line is that most people just like to communicate. If its calling, texting, or, god forbid, having a face to face chat, we just want to share our experiences with people who will listen and either console us or tell us we were wrong. I'm not passive aggressive and I've always been need for attention. I just needed someone to listen. In my case, Twitter was was the first thing available.

I don't regret talking about my professional and personal life with people, but I do wish I did it better. Then again, it certainly did make for a great discussion and entertainment with my Twitter followers.

Wakefield. Byrd. It's the 2007 ALCS on Fox.

2007-10-16T20:01:00.001-04:00

Welcome to my first ALCS Glogging Extravaganza. We can expect good things tonight with a forthcoming pork chop dinner and a semi-coifed Eric Karros providing the most sane, sound analysis in the broadcast. Oh god, help us all. Girardi looks like a nice addition and hopefully will use the drill seargent haircut to whip Kevin Kennedy into shape. Speaking of hairdos, I'm impressed with Jeannie Zelasko being a perfect 30 for 30 in new hairstyles per broadcast. I wish STATS, Inc. kept tabs on things like that and terrible Tim McCarver puns. Game time and pork chops are almost here so let's see how greasy my keyboard gets.

--- Pre-Game ---
First Shameless plug of the night: The Comebacks, directed by Tom Brady and starring Champ Kind. The good news is that we haven't seen any in-game promos with the stars of K-Ville or 'til Death freezing at the Jake.

--- 1st Inning ---
Paul Byrd begins the game by showing off his new arm transplant courtesy of 1988 Orel Hershiser. By the way, Byrd looks like Cheddar Bob from 8 Mile. 3 up. 3 down.

Jim from the Office introduces his squad.

Joe Buck quotes a less than spectacular endorsement of Time Wakefield by Terry Francona. Hmmm, something says this is it for Wake. Even though he won 17, you have to think he's gotta hang it up soon, right? Hello? Anyone?

No one scares me more than Victor Martinez. Just as I wrote that, he flew out to JD Drew. By the way, the over/under on JD Drew's ground out to first: 3.

--- 2nd Inning ---
After JD Drew strikes out to further prove that he is the least clutch player of all-time, my girlfriend asks the question that all of Red Sox Nation is thinking: Why don't they just start Jacoby Ellsbury?

Seriously, Fox needs to play music from at least the late 80's, maybe even early 90's. I've given up hope that they would play anything from the last 10 years.

Wakefield with 4K's. Not bad. But why won't the Sox start hitting freakin' Cheddar Bob already?

--- 3rd Inning ---
Wow, the 6 through 9 hitters in this lineup just sucks ass. Paul Byrd is a fat faced, double pumping force to be reckoned with right now.

After Pedroia and Youk reach with first pitch singles, Papi grounds out to second. We just cannot hit with Runners in Scoring Position (RISP to you gifted baseball folks). This will come back to haunt us when we're facing Rafael Perez in the 7th.

Good to see old friend Kelly Shoppach playing tonight, adding to the list of former Sox players that can come back and haunt us during the series. Nope, Shop K's. Not yet. Maybe he can take one deep later.

--- 4th Inning ---
Time for our favorite feature: The JD Drew Groundout watch.

Well, Well, Well. Drew proves me and the rest of the baseball watching world wrong by getting a hit. Good for you JD. Now just do it with someone on or less than 2 outs. Of course none of that will matter if he gets picked off, which he almost did. Way to go big guy. You're worth every penny of the $70 mill contract.

Someone needs to stand up to Boras soon. He can't keep ripping teams off with these anti-clutch players, can he? Can't there be some sort of Congressional hearing for this? A-Rod, Drew, Dice-K, Beltran, Zito. Its a whole team of multi-millionare choking all-stars.

Joe Buck says "A look at downtown cleveland where they're all fired up for this game," followed by a shot of an empty building. Nice work Joe.

break time: We welcome lone reader Steve Lupo to the blog. He's turned off his TV and relying on yours truly as the only source of info for his favorite team. Good luck with that Steve. I'm going to get some ice cream and clean up my shorn scrotum shavings. In that order.

--- 5th Inning ---
How can Buck say Paul Byrd looks even better than Wake when he just gave up his first hit and the Sox were threatening last inning? Someone needs to headbutt that smarmy a-hole soon.

OK, I take that back. Byrd continues to shut down our shithole bottom of the order.

The always dangerous Casey Blake puts the first run of the game on the board with a HR. Is the world spinning backwards right now? Casey Blake and Kenny Lofton are inflicting the most damage. How does that happen? Next thing we know Asdrubal Cabrera will be knocking 512-ft dingers.

Why doesn't Lugo turn that double play? Was Sizemore already down the line? Show us the replay damnit!

Worst case scenario for the Sox. Instead of a groundball to second for an inning ending double play, ball goes off Wake's glove, runner scores, 1st and 2nd with 1 out. Three best hitters coming up. Me thinks that'll haunt us.

Not to go all Eric Byrnes on you, but the breaks just aren't going the Sox way. And that has to happen in the playoffs. It happened for us in '04, but just isn't working out in this series so far. C'est la vie.

Game over. 6-0. I can't believe we cant' score off their two worst pitchers. Embarrassing.

I'm seriously considering switching to Boston Legal if they don't do anything at the start of next inning. That is, if we actually get out of this inning.

--- 6th Inning ---
Its about time. Youk does what they should have in the 1st - take this shitbum deep. Followed by a Papi homer, Wedge does the smart thing and pull Byrd before Manny can have his way with him. Now Manny battles back from 0-2 to 3-2 and...

Goes back-to-back-to-back.

Of course leave it to the Dysentery Duo™ of Drew and Crisp to kill the buzz.

Lester has looked alright so far, but its weird to see Youk miss that pickoff move. The little things will kill the Sox. So Joe Buck, Why would you say they might pull Lester already? This guy needs to go far, far away. Stop fucking up my baseball and football broadcasts with your midwestern values and terrible analysis.

--- 7th Inning ---
Lugo grounds into a double play. Another free agent acquisition, another rally killed. Theo is going to get hammered this offseason.

Lester has looked great for two innings. Too bad we wasted previous game innings on the French-Canadian.

--- 8th Inning ---
Looking for another classic Betencourt/Youk duel, but Youk just flies out. The big guns go down easily.

Joe Buck insists on bringing up this date in Red Sox history multiple times tonight. I hope his talk show is the worst program in television history.

--- 9th Inning ---
This is it. Let's see what these guys can do with their lead stiffs hitting.

First shot of CC eating in the dugout. That's what I want from my already obese game 5 starter.

Drew flies out. He's definitely not playing in Game 5 and that's fine with me.

Coco up to flush the handle on the dookie-filled toilet of game 4. I'll be very surprised if he's in the lineup on Thursday.

Wait, is the Jake playing "Our Country" in the stadium? I hope not. Just for that I hope its a Sox blowout in the last home game for the Tribe this year.

-- Game Over--
Well, Cheddar Bob got the best of this terrible lineup and the tribe has a 3-1 advantage. There's not much to say except changes have to be made both in game 5, the offseason and on the Fox broadcasts. Unfortunately only 2 of those will likely happen. Look for Jacoby and Kielty on Thursday.

From what I've seen this and the past few post-seasons, there are one or two shitbum pitchers that come into the post-season as absolute assassins (Derek Lowe in '04, Jared Weaver in '06. This year, its Paul Byrd. He is terrible during the year but something takes over their body and turns them into 1999 Pedro. Let's hope the Sox can knock around CC and then Carmona and then Westbrook to bring this back. Of course thats only going to happen if JD, Coco and Lugo start hitting and if you've watched the team this year, you know that's not likely.

Sox and Tribe and the Fowl

2007-10-16T14:46:00.000-04:00

OK, let's try this to switch it up a bit. Instead of twittering like a mad man (the concensus: its getting annoying), I'll be live blogging the Sox-Indians pivitol Game 4 live from the Jake. OK, I won't be live from the Jake, but my BFFs Tim McCarver and Joe Buck will be (Oh Tim, you are like a baseball Buddah, only slightly older). Plus, its a blogger's dream matchup: The power pitching of Paul Byrd vs. the strategic craftsmanship of Tim Wakefield. Ugh, let's hope the apocolypse isn't upon us. God help us all.

Time Warner Cable: the 8th circle of Customer Service Hell

2007-08-29T15:52:00.000-04:00

It should come as no surprise to anyone in NYC that I hate Time Warner Customer Service. But today my hatred has hit a new high (or is it a new low?). After trying to file a complaint by their highly sophisticated electronic customer support system on Sunday, I have finally received a response...on Wednesday.

My inquiry was pretty simple: None of the 6 HBO channels on my cable system are working. In turn, it didn't record any of the HBO shows on my DVR list. As a result, I'm very disappointed that I didn't get to look at Ginnifer Goodwin for an hour. I tried restarting the box, but it didn't work. Please call to discuss or provide me with instructions on how to fix.

The braintrust of Time Warner Customer Service provided me this response:

Though we appreciate the time that you have taken to contact us, we
are sorry that your have some concerns.

We want to resolve any service problem you may be experiencing as
quickly and effectively as possible.

Please unplug the converter's AC power cord and wait 10-15 seconds
- Plug the power cord back into the outlet
-Turn the converter box back on after the correct time is displayed in
the LCD screen.

If this was unsuccessful, please contact our 24 hour Customer Support Line

Unbelieveable. An e-mail that may as well be automated response even has spelling errors. Thanks for waiting 4 days to send me those technologically challenging instructions fellas. At least the e-mail didn't try to sell me on their phone service like they do every time I call to inquire about the latest outage.

This brings up a bigger question: Why is there no cable competition in the US's largest city? There are over 10 million people that would welcome it. Plus, maybe the other would have the NFL network or specials on SPICE channel.

Adieu Relles

2007-08-16T15:24:00.000-04:00

While travelling, I got the message that my main man Relles is heading back to Philly with his wife and their twin buns in the oven. For those of you who don't know, Ben is the brains behind Box in a Box, Obama Girl and Barelypolitical.com. Its disappointing that we are losing a good man, but know he will do good things wherever he goes. So farewell Relles. Keep doing your thing. I'm sure we will see a lot more of you this political season.

The Fog is Getting Thicker. And Leon's Getting Larger

2007-08-16T13:48:00.000-04:00

When I first flew into the Oakland airport, I was tired, drugged up and confused. Part of it was probably due to the fact that I only slept 8 hours in three days during a Vegas romp. The other part was probably my annoyace with not being able to find a cab, Super Shuttle or any other form of transportation to take me to SF proper. After wandering the airport, I stumbled upon a taxi and prepared for my $50 journey into San Francisco. I could barely stay awake for the trip - but let's be honest, why would I want to? Oakland's not exactly the PCH. But when I went through the tunnel and over the Bay Bridge, something had taken over my body and delivered a much needed kick to the head. My first site of SF proper. The fog melting away, but just enough lingering over the city to make it picturesque. The Golden Gate in the background. The sun shining over the bay. Just awesome.

Before even getting into the city street, I immediately regretted my resistence to visit over the last 5 years. Why did I move to LA when SF was what I wanted in a city? LA has the beaches and weather (and of course giant fake boobies). SF has the culture and people. Also, they have bike riding. Lots and lots of bike riding. Well, that's according to my buddy Lime Cider. I'm sure they have it in LA, but it's not nearly as scenic. Either way, I was sold on SF. If you haven't been here then make it one of your next destinations. If you have, then you know what I'm talking about. The weather is chilly, but that's fine with me. Especially when I'm coming from a humid hell hole like Manhattan.

The good news is that Virgin America has started to fly out here. I'm not much of a flyer, but airlines like JetBlue and Virgin are doing a lot to help soothe my sky angst with distractions like TV, XM Radio, in-flight gaming and even chats. Well, those and getting pumped up with medication. I'm curious to see what Virgin offers because the site sure looks nice.

Delta is trying to make a push into the luxury/chic market as well by offering shaken cocktails, MP3s and HBO on their inflight systems. But you would never know by their advertising campaign, the ever dull "Change Is:" campaign. If you want to compete with the pioneers in this space, then your advertising needs to be edgier. Something that makes the 21-49 year old audience WANT to fly your airline. Show that they NEED to fly with you because its fun, hip and just cool.

Ah, who am I kidding, I'll try out all of these airlines if it means I get to come back to SF soon.

GLEN!

2007-08-01T16:01:00.001-04:00

In the YouTube era, you get to live both your favorite moments and agonizing memories over and over again. In this case, its the former. Please enjoy this Starbucks commercial from a few years ago.

Living Green Again

2007-08-01T12:25:00.000-04:00

The transaction has been covered hundreds, if not thousands, of times over the last two days but that's not going to stop me from saying how excited I am to watch Celtics basketball this season. Its nice to be relevant again, even if Doc Rivers is still at the helm.

For the last 4 years, my buddy Hopefully Sully has always approached each new season with a sense of confidence and optimism. Every draft drew a "I really like that guy," or "Yeah, I can see that move working out" comment. Big Al was just starting to stay healthy and prove that he is the real deal. Opening night wins got an extra head nod or fist pump. It was nice to see excitement about the youth movement. Maybe he was reaching, but he always wanted to believe the C's could sneak into the 8th spot. Who knows, maybe they could even go on a tear in a weak Conference and move all the way up to a 4 or 5 seed.

However, the excitement was always fleeting. Hopeful Sully's dreams were usually crushed by early February as the C's continually crumbled in the 4th quarter, made questionable moves in the management/playtime of the young players and got decimated by injury.

This year, Hopeful Sully doesn't need to find false hope to root for the team. While Ray Allen alone gave him more confidence than years past, Allen and KG put him through the roof. The best part is that he's not alone.

Growing up in the 80's it was easy to love the C's. Not just the great teams, but the exciting game play, style and overall enthusiasm was infectious to a kid with a love for all sports. Times changed. People changed. The League Changed. I don't need to list the run of bad luck, but it quickly went downhillf from there. The dreadful M.L. Carr years set me on a path of cynicism. 2002 was nice, but it was an exception. And of course, Doc Rivers never helped pull my excitement level out of the gutter.

However, now it gets interesting. This team makes me want to actually blow the cash on an NBA League Pass subscription. Getting to watch 3 All-Stars complementing each other (and thus not having the wear and tear they normally receive throughout the season) on your favorite team just makes you, well, feel like a kid again.

Despite what happens, it feels good to watch the Green again.

Oh lovey darling, please ask the poor man to pass the mustard

2007-07-06T17:04:00.000-04:00

After a week of family visits back in good ole Taxachusetts, I was able to squeeze in a night at Fenway as my beloved Red Sox were set to do battle with the dreaded Devil Rays of Tampa Bay. Or is it just the Rays now? I forgot if the Florida Republican party already ordered the removal of all things Devil-related (Good bye Devil Dogs, Deviled Eggs and Dirt Devil. Your new respective names will be Jesus Dogs, Holy Eggs and The Freedom Dirt Remover).

Anyway, the Sox won in a blowout thanks to the heavy bat of Covelli Crisp and my ability to take down 2 hot dogs and 3 beers in no time. Tito didn't acknowledge my contribution after the game, but I'm sure it played a part somewhere in that big 6-run first inning. While scarfing down my encassed pork scraps on a soggy roll, I took in the sights, sounds and general sterilness of my surroundings. I was fortunate enough to try out the State Street Pavillion section thanks to the generosity of Ladybird's father. Despite a good view on the 3rd base roof deck, something about the whole thing didn't seem right. Not just the seats, but the whole Fenway experience. It was my first game in almost 2 years at the Fens, but now there was waitstaff taking my order and serving me throughout the game. Kids screaming "Play Ball" at the start of the game. A director of Corporate Communications at a Pharma company throwing out the first pitch. It all just seemed a bit, well, contrived. The thing that I loved about my hundreds of other nights at Fenway was that it was relaxed, spontaneous and always about the game. Last night people around me were asking what inning Sweet Caroline came on.

I'm all for tradtions, but has the Fenway Park experience become too cookie cutter? Every pre-game routine/event the same but with replacable characters? People looking for the between inning entertainment rather than the game? The weird thing about writing this is that I am and always will be a beliver that you can have the evolution of sports while preserving the natural drama and beauty of the game. I believe in Sabermetrics. I believe that new parks make for a more comfortable, enjoyable experience. I believe in organ music played between innings. I believe in game chatter. I believe in keeping score at your seat. You can have it all, at an affordable price.

Maybe the new ownership group went too far too fast with the marketing of the franchise, or maybe they had a lot of catching up to do. The modern park experience had moved on, leaving Fenway in the dust. Now its expensive tickets, expensive food and mostly crappy seats. The only differences between Fenway and other parks are the dimensions.

The dream comes true: Ray Allen and Allan Ray, together at last

2007-06-29T08:22:00.001-04:00

I said it last night and I'm standing by it this morning. I'd feel better about Ray Allen if this were 2002. Others will wax poetic about why they love or hate this deal. I, on the other hand will just say that I am glad they added a veteran shooter who can play in the crunch alongside Pierce while only giving up a draft spot (and a swing spot at that). Losing an injury prone Wally wasn't a blow to this team nor was third year man Delonte West. While he was a personal favorite of mine (since his days at St. Joe's) the reality is that if we wanted to be both a youthful team and one with some veteran leadership, he was the most expendable. Sorry Delonte, you will be missed.

While scrolling through some boards last night, my draft sidekick Sully was not too pleased with responses he found. Then again, he is the eternal Celtics optimist. He even saw the good in Bassy both before (he's so fast, he's gonna make it exciting to watch this team push the ball up court. Also, what upside.") and after ("packaged with an expiring contract he's tradeable"). I don't think its a real blockbuster. Allen will be a fan favorite because of his UConn roots. Plus, they can show his acting chops on the jumbotron between periods. I'm guaranteeing that the dopey marketing department will work in Public Enemy's "He Got Game" song to the team promos. They are just fantastically stupid like that.

So does that make Doc Rivers the new Jake Shuttlesworth? Hopefully Doc will be forced to wear an ankle restraint and not leave his house this year.

That thing above this post? Yeah, that thing. What is that thing?

2007-06-20T23:47:00.000-04:00

I have officially become too self-absorbed to function within the confines of my regular blog. I don't update with big posts nearly enough so I've decided to bring in the little blue fella that's right above. Everyone, welcome my twitter. Its going to give you my thoughts, posts, updates or thoughts on whatever is running through my mind or my loins. I even get to update it from my mobile phone. I'll keep posting here (I mean, what else do I have to do besides become the kind of dog food, right?), but he's here to help.

Does it count as a brawl if the players are too tired from running onto the field to land a punch?

2007-06-05T23:39:00.000-04:00

A trip to Fenway almost always makes for a good day. But what makes it great? When a brawl almost breaks out. What makes it even better? When its an exhibition game between media members.

The bi-annual NY/Boston media baseball game took place on Sunday at Fenway Park. I was one of the few lucky ones to witness not only Boston's first win in the last 5-10 years, but also some grown men trying to live out their major league fantasy (full uniforms and all).

Here's how it went down:
Boston's Uri Berenguer, like Fisk before him, plowed into the NY catcher and stood over him when he knocked the ball away. Two innings later, henchman Bob Klapisch was called upon to pitch for Berenguer's next at-bat. Two problems: 1) he throws gas and 2) he sort of lacks, um control. Seconds later the park was filled with a loud cracking sound. It was Bullet Bob knocking one of Uri's noggin. Tempers were raise, a fracas ensued, but minutes later the guys apologized to one another and calm was restored. Or was it?

Fenway Announcer and team manager Carl Beane, who looks like a 5'4" Bruce Villanch with a white afro and dressed in his Wade Boggs white, took particular offense to the actions. He not only had to be restrained by multiple people, but he wouldn't let it go innings later. He returned to the field to talk with umpires and yell at NY players. No one was quite exactly sure what he would do to the 6'2" 230 lb man machine that is Klapisch , but we were praying for some sort of failed suplex at the very least. Klapisch would have likely held him at arm's length while Beane swung away, but the idea alone kept us entertained for the rest of the game.

Deadspin's take
LoHud Blog's take
Barstool Sports take

Living is easy when you vacuum your clothes

2007-05-28T20:57:00.000-04:00

Manhattan apartments in the summer are worse than getting hot boxed from a fat guy named Edgar after an Irish dinner. The stink is out, the trash is swirling and the humidity is beating me down like it has a police baton. Its not even June 1 and I'm already breaking out the Gold Bonds to prevent Senator Chafee from making an appearance. After an early night on Friday (thank you Blockheads for your $3 Margarita special), I woke up around midnight drenched in sweat and barely breathing. The lack of ventilation and two windows had trapped the hot air from the last few days. It was official. Summer was here.

To top it off, the apartment was a mess and we haven't figured out how to put away all of the crap from the winter yet. That was, however, until the ladybird brought home her own cryovac machine for those fancy furs (or down jackets). She tossed all of her coats (and my 2 winter jackets) into "the original space bag" and attached the vacuum hose. Out went the air, in went the clothes. Voila. Space was saved. Disaster (or at least a spring cleaning fight) was averted. She put a lot of our winter shit in the bags and it saved us a ton of room for things like a portable AC or a kiddie pool filled with whiskey and ice to help stay cool over the coming sumer inferno. Now, enjoy the summer and the inevitable visitor from your least favorite Senator.

The Value of Joe Morgan

2007-04-09T15:27:00.000-04:00

The great Vin Scully once dubbed Lou Merloni "The Pride of Framingham, Massachusetts."

About one minute later he beautifully detailed how Merloni went down swinging on an 0-2 curveball.

The era of the legendary one-stop-shop announcers like Vin Scully is coming to an end. Sure the melodic tone and storytelling of Scully and Co. are brilliant, but what really stands out to me is the fact that they can fly solo and we don't miss that second voice one bit. They put the game on their shoulders and you follow along for the ride, watching in awe the whole time.

In an effort to make the games appealing to casual fans, networks are infusing more "personality" and "life" (read: sponsorships) in the booth, but on the sidelines, in the studios, at the food stand, at the bar across the street and at the team's AAA stadium. Its a bit of overkill, but as Americans we wouldn't have it any other way. Bigger is better. Don't mess with Texas. Or Anaheim. Or Chattanooga.

But do any of these guys, especially in the booth, really add any value?

Its easy to be critical of color commentators because we all think we can do it. And, in many cases, we would be right. Sports announcing has deteriorated to the point that giving personal opinions and narrating a replay are considered the norm (call it the Madden Syndrome). It seems like a mindless job. In reality, it takes a certain kind of person who can eloquently discuss and analyze the situation instead (the modern day Madden unable to do either of those).

Instead, we get guys comparing our current team to their old team. Someone should remind Joe Morgan that this isn't the 70's. Its a completely different game now. Back then the talent wasn't as diluted, people smoked in the dugout and there was just a lot more pubic hair in general.

Most times we just want two things from our color guys: 1) to give us some insight into the play, why it happened, why it succeeded/failed and what the teams are preparing to do for the next sequence of events and 2) a little excitement and character. No need to say "the bunt just didn't work out," and then blast the team for not executing. That's just rude. A holier than thou attitude never sits well with Joe fan. Much like looking for the perfect mate, we want our announcers to have a great personality and know what they are talking about. Unfortunately, just as in life, most people settle with what they've got.

No fan wants an announcer to solely dish out their personal opinion. If its laughing at a fan who throws pizza at another fan (thanks RemDog), then go for it. We love to see you laugh and have a good time just like we would if we were at the game. Congratulations, you have successfully conveyed the ballpark experience. But if the personal opinion sways into the territory of scolding a player for the act of fake mooning the crowd (get off your high horse Joe Buck), then thats another story.

I blame the NFL. Too many high profile announcers were built from the Madden Syndrome. Guys like Theismann, Maguire, Glanville and of course the modern day Madden all spit their unbearable drivel on us each week. Simmons addressed this last season and he's pretty spot on. Dr. Z does a full breakdown and includes a star rating system. Both are good, but none of that will change the fact that we are spoon fed a can of crap whenever we watch almost any sporting event.

Vin Scully isn't getting any younger. Maybe its time to spring for that MLB package afterall.

Somehwere, Norman Fell sheds a single tear

2007-04-03T23:41:00.000-04:00

RIP Charley Douglass. You will be missed.

OK, so Douglass, the inventor of the original laugh track, died a few years ago, but I like to think his legacy will soon be joining him in the big studio in the sky.

For the first time, possibly ever, a major network has stopped showing laugh track comedies. Yes NBC, I'm talking about you. Please stand up and take a bow. Now sit back down. I saw you try to sneak in "30 Good Years" back in October. For that, your salute shall be fleeting.

As the Ladybird and pretty much anyone who knows me will attest, I'm a harsh critic of television (especially network). She hates watching with me because of my Mystery Science Theatre 3000 routine that accompanies most programs. ABC's reality and cheesy cookie cutter sitcoms provide the easiest fodder, followed closely by CBS' similar comedy format. The only time I actually shut my trap are when single-camera comedies like The Office, 30 Rock and one of my new favorite shows, Andy Barker, P.I. are on. Unfortunately, Ladybird doesn't sit through most of those with me as she has limited interest in programs not named "The Inferno" or "Gilmore Girls." (Overall, I thnk she's just appreciative that there are now more shows that don't make me want to hang myself with the cable wire).

Its a bold move, but one that is already paying off for the Peacock. The folks who were one time kings of the sitcom should proudly be able to claim that title once again with their Thursday night line up. Traditionally these types of shows are beloved by critics but panned by the majority of viewers. However, as they gain momentum and acceptance, the questions have to be asked:

1. Have we, as a collective TV consumer, turned the corner?
2. Are we not settling for the generic crap?
3. Do we crave creativity in our programming?
4. Does that make Arrested Development a sitcom martyr?
5. Do I need to actually go outside once in a while?

I'm no sociologist, psychiatrist or TVologist. I couldn't begin to answer the first three. I will, however, use my AD expertise to give a tenative "yes" to question #4 and a resounding "definitely" to #5.

I think its really saying something when a network can claim that their flagship comedy/satire program (in this case, Saturday Night Live)is actually their weakest program. Sure, that's not saying much given the current state of writing on SNL, but the show is still an establishment (and some would say its THE establishment).

So keep up the good work NBC. If only others would follow your lead and help make those royalty checks to the Douglass family diminish with each new season.

Don't pull a muscle patting yourself on the back

2007-03-23T10:56:00.000-04:00

Hey you.

Yeah, you. You stupid prick.

Just because you were Time Magazine's Person of the Year doesn't mean your shit don't stink.

No, you walk around this here internet all high and mighty.

My grandfather would call you the cock of the walk. I just call you "dickweed."

Now you get rewarded for being an a-hole and acting like your better than me? Yeah, well, I'm not voting for you.

Nope.

Not one vote.

Since when did something so beautiful like an online video community, a place where people could go and put up almost anything they want for the world to see and take, turn into a popularity contest?

Awards? Man, you are you serious? I guess you aren't as smart as I thought you were.

If I wanted to vote for something, I would vote for the next Kettle Chip flavor or the awesomeness that is CBS sitcoms (From the network that brought you The Nanny and Still Standing...).

The bottom line? I don't want to vote on any one video being more funny, inspiring or creative than another. The community was there so everyone could find something for them. Now, its just another version of the academy awards, grammys, cable ace, or whatever award you want to compare it to. Something that lets a select group of people pat themselves on the back. The premise is simple: the people vote, the majority decides.

But one thing you don't realize is that the majority are a bunch of idiots...regardless of what Time, Inc. may say. What's that you say? That's a harsh statement? Then how do you explain According to Jim and George Lopez still being on air? Or Paris Hilton achieving global stardom? Or porn being the most profitable business? Or what about the last 2 elections? The founding fathers think we are idiots. That's why we have the electoral college system. Or did you not know that, you high and mighty person of the year?

There are shitloads of funny, inspriring and creative videos on YouTube and lots of other sites. Why do we have to rank them? Let's just let it be. Let people find the stuff on their own and feel like they are in the know. Like they've found something special. If they like it, they should pass it along.

I always thought great ideas like YouTube would change us. Instead, we've just modernized them to incorporate the same old junk. Are we that afraid of change? I guess that's a topic for another time.

Oh, and by the way, if that fucking evolution of dance video wins, I'm going to punch you in the head.

Signs Are For the Weak Anyway

2007-03-15T19:07:00.000-04:00

Every so often I like to read about the failures of PR people. Some call it schadenfreude, but I look at it as something that is beautiful in an otherwise utterly dreadful occupation.

Courtesy of my new friend the Flack4Food at FlackU Blog, comes a wonderful and accurate rant about a piece of chic New York hospitality. I've always had a problem with a lot of New York hotels being the size of a closet, but the Hudson is the Rose Bowl of them all. Its the uppity hotel with even more overpriced drinks and snooty staff that like to cram you into a dark, claustrophobia-enducing closet of a room. Rather than post my opinions of the place, I'll let the Flack do it for you. Enjoy.

Read the review here

But Who's Going to be Angry at Belichick for the Next 2 Months?

2007-03-05T22:38:00.000-05:00

Is the New York Times Company running some sort of plagarism factory over at the Boston Globe? News from Morrissey Blvd. tonight is that they suspended the notoriously cantankerous Ron Borges for two months without pay for lifting from Mike Sando's article in the Tacoma News Tribune. As recently as 1998 two other Globe reporters and columnists were dismissed for plagarism and fabricating stories.

I wonder if these guys just get complacent after so many years and mail it in. Sure, they aren't the bright eyed optimist anymore, but when you are a columnist or reporter at one of the biggest newspapers in the country, you have to keep it real and keep it factual. Otherwise, you're just another recycling chump.

Its funny that so many traditional newspaper men display such animosity towards bloggers and "new media professionals." I assume its because they are threatened, but what would I know...I'm just write my non-factual thoughts for free on the intrawebnet highway.

The Fish on the Sox

2007-02-27T14:06:00.000-05:00

Looking for insight into the Red Sox without having to comprimise your anal virginity? Then you are in luck. I suggest heading over to Boston Metro Sportsblog where our beloved Fish is electronically capturing the magic of his Spring Training trip to Ft. Myers and taking the sphinkter pounding from Sox PR goons (I'm talking to you Steinberg) for all of us. Hooray!

While he's chatting it up with people you aren't allowed to be anywhere near, he's also taking in some of the area's culture and class (Hellloooo Waffle House). Today's adventure involves Julio Lugo referring to Jeb as Papi Cholo. Isn't that the leader of a Mexican gang? Fish, is there something that you aren't telling us?

What did the Oscar viewers say when the drugs wore off?

2007-02-26T14:30:00.000-05:00

I'm sure that you know the punchline based on the long-time Grateful Dead joke of a similar nature. With the ladybird stuck in Colorado, I was forced to watch this atrocity alone and keep my opinions limited to my inner monologue. Why didn't I change the channel? Well, I had already seen this week's episode of the White Rapper Show, which was running concurrently.

I used to like watching the Oscars when I was a kid, just so I could see clips of movies that I liked. But in an age when everything is available on-demand, that has worn out its welcome.

This year I was brought back to the awards because I actually saw and liked some of the films nominated (I still can't deal with the pretentious merry-go-round that was Crash). While I despise the hype leading up to the event and the instant history often involved with these types of shows, I do like to see quality movies and people get recognized. There were a number of films (Little Miss Sunshine and The Departed) actors (Jackie Earl Haley, Mark Wahlberg, Forest Whittaker) and writers (Tom Perotta, Sacha Baron Cohen, Bill Monahan, Michael Arndt) that I genuinely enjoyed in this years crop, despite being a cranky movie critic.

But something has to be done about the ceremony if they want people to stick around past the 10:00 hour. The endless montages, uninspiring tributes, generic presentations and non-cinema back-patting is a bit too much for both diehard film buffs and the casual observer. The Al Gore jokes are lame and old at this point. It's been over 6 years, man. Also, when celebrating the Oscar for An Inconvenient Truth they should have been thanking the science community for their findings, not Hollywood for being so brave and proactive in helping push the message out. Last time I checked, they were the ones making a pretty penny on using scientific findings to scare the bejesus out of people.

The thing I missed most about it was that I didn't have the ladybird accompanying me while I did my Mystery Science Theatre 3000 commentary. She usually gets annoyed and throws out a "well, why are you watching it then?" by 9:30. I watch for that exact moment. I'm an a-hole by nature. I love to comment. As a result, I ended up going to Defamer to join the hundreds like me that had something to say about Jack Nicholson's head, John Travolta's scientological, self-importance, Michael Mann's "America," or anything else that popped into my head. Which brings me to my point. If you can't be with the one you love...love the internet. God bless this place. If only Sandra Bullock made an appearance. I was waiting for her to pop out so I could share my experience of being the only one in the theature laughing when she fell down stairs, breaking her bones in Crash. Man, that Paul Haggis has one kickass sense of humor.

The Fowl Runs SoCal

2007-02-23T10:58:00.000-05:00

If you are in the mood to check out a new blog and venture away from the awesomeness that is the New York Hate of Mind (We're almost averaging 1.5 posts per month in February!), then may I suggest the wonderful world of sports hypotheticals at If I Ran.... Your beloved (And yes, I mean you Dad) Fowl has written the season preview for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Please enjoy my rant as I know all of Southern California will.

The Pre-Super Bowl Shit Talk Begins...in Mascot Form

2007-01-31T12:27:00.000-05:00

My favorite of the standard Super Bowl pre-game hype has come in the form of mascots. Not a cheesy mascot battle one might see at a stadium or jumbotron. No, this, my friends is what its all about. Bear vs. Colt pits Sunday's Super Bowl mascots against one another in every day situations. The creators gave each mascot personas that resemble the perception of each team (Bears - likable, innocent, sometimes backing down. Colts - cocky, brash, choking in the clutch) and put them in different situations. The videos and outcomes are very funny. Similar to Spy vs. Spy, each mascot tries to outdo the other, as only two superior minds can. But the fun doesn't stop at the Bears Vs. Colts Web site. It has a YouTube page with all of the videos and Myspace pages for the Bear and the Colt.

Besides the fact that I already dislike Peyton Manning, its hard not to root for the bear in this one. Today's episode about trying to pick up a girl on a treadmill at the health lub may be my favorite one to date. Who doesn't love it when the Colt can't seal the deal?

Also, in case you didn't remember, the Bear is who we thought he is:

Letting the Pleabians In From the Cold

2007-01-26T13:33:00.000-05:00

If you are lucky enough to live in the cultural dining aristocracy that is New York City, you probably already know that its winter restaurant week in the city. What is restaurant week? Its pretty much the dining equivilant of when Bushwood Country Club gave the caddies a chance to swim in their pool for 15 minutes. And if restaurant week patrons are lucky, they won't find a faux dookie floating around.

During restaurant week, New Yorkers get to experience what the wealthy do on a daily basis. Well, that is if the New Yorkers want to drop $35 per person sans drink, tax, tip, normal sized portion, etc. I don't mind restaurant week because it makes Ladybird feel good and mask the fact that I am too cheap, poor and culturally insignificant to dine at these places regularly.

Last night was a Frankie and Johnnie's experience. While the grub was tasty and cooked perfectly, the petite fliet mingon was just about the right size portion...for my mother. At least we got an iceberg lettuce salad and a sliver of key lime pie for our $35 tag. We ordered the steamed asparagus as a side, which came with 6 pieces and a cup of hollandaise sauce. But this wasn't normal asparagus, It was super sized...which also meant it provided me with the long lasting funky pee smell that I appreciate. Also, there's nothing quite like having that "I ate some veggies, here's my proof" experience when someone walks into a bathroom after you've done your business. Three pieces did a number on the good ol' urine stream. No wonder rich people eat there. My pee still reeked of it this morning.

In the end, I think the $35 steak, lettuce and asparagus are worth it for the pee smell alone. I may not be rich, but at least I can now say I've eaten and pissed like one of New York's elite.

The New York President?

2007-01-25T13:05:00.000-05:00

As you probably learned, then subsequently forgotten, then heard it on a show one time, then forgot again: not since Jack Kennedy was in office in 1960, has there been a president from the Northeast. (Sorry George I, you don't really count as you were doing your thing in Texas before coming up to DC). But does 2008 signal a return to the region as the motherland for the next president?

Interesting article on Yahoo! today about the early Hillary strategy. If the Republican party is as flexible and compassionate as they claim to be, then they would need to drop the hard-line right wing antics that they have played on for the last few years and shift to the middle with the right candidate. Who would that be you ask? Why Rudy Giuliani of course.

Not an easy task for some folks, specifically in the mid-west and deep south, but much better for those moderates who are looking for someone aligned with their values. If the Republicans want to beat the Dems, they need to think long and hard about Rudy as the ideal candidate. McCain has had a rough go of it over the last few months and may have been soured on by the moderates that supported his fearless opposition to his own party. Speeches at Liberty University and conversations with evangelical/conservative leaders have made people question McCain's political convictions...which is a shame because the man has endured more in his life than we will ever begin to understand. A staunch watchdog of government wrong doing could now be looked at as the panderer. Me thinks he needs another go-round with our man John Stewart.

Bush used the war to scare people into reelecting him in 2004, but that won't work in 2008. Mid-term elections in 2006, for better or worse, changed everything for 2008. There needs to be a retun to the middle while candidates still show passion, candor and actual backbone. This goes for both sides.

The poll shows that Rudy currently leads Hillary by a healthy margin while McCain is clinging to a one point lead. But that brings us back to our original point. Two New Yorkers battling it out for the top spot? What are the odds of that happening? I would bring this to the fellas at Oddjack, but they are probably busy putting odds on Lindsay Lohan banging Ashton Kutcher or how many picks it will take to get Peyton Manning to cry. No matter who wins, I just hope that The Kid From Brooklyn is appointed Secretary of Defense.

New Formats

2007-01-24T18:05:00.000-05:00

OK, here's the deal. I hate this style. But I also have zero design skills. I bought a book called "Teach yourself HTML in 10 minutes." That's a fucking lie. It's been about 3 weeks and I still can't get shit right. I understand the language, but I just don't know how to make it look pretty. So bear with me as I try out some new formats. Until then it will be the same old crappy postings.

Oh yeah, and we have a new logo. I was able to design that myself. I hope you like.

Wait, Physics is fun?

2007-01-17T15:08:00.000-05:00

This isn't about New York, but then again, how many postings on this blog really are? Here is a fun lesson that teaches you when a stick figure on a sled goes in motion, he remains in motion until acted upon. OK, that doesn't do Line Rider justice, but its highlighly addictive and may or may not cause you to actually like physics.

Check out Line Rider here

If you need inspiriation on how to make your line rider course, go over to YouTube and search for Line Rider. There is some amazing stuff there.

The gift that keeps on giving

2007-01-04T23:53:00.000-05:00

Here it is folks, the best spoof of one of the only funny SNL skits in recent years. So does this make SNL relevant again? Ummmm, nahhhh.

Sure a bunch of middle school brats and Asian kids imitated Lazy Sunday (and of course, Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute did their own interpretation), but Dick in a Box blew it away for the creative and surprise factor. Didn't know what the first round of homages would look like, but I am happy to report that it involves cleavage.

In case you can't view the video in this post, you can always check out Myboxinabox.com for all the goods.

Dillon High School Football Rules

2007-01-03T22:22:00.000-05:00

Here's the thing: I watch way too much TV. Not so much that my skin is in danger of grafting itself onto the couch, but the thought had crossed my mind.

The DVR has only made that more of a problem over the last two years. When I first got the thing, I wanted to record shows that I would never watch and watch shows that are not worthy of recording. And don't forget about the ladybird. She pollutes that thing with shows that I try not to even recognize (For the record, Lauren Graham and her skinny daughter are not that witty).

But much like a young boy blossoming into a man with the first signs of chest hair, my DVR skills too have greatly matured...along with my now bushier chest hair. Gone are the days of recording the Apprentice just to record it. I could care less about which suck up gets to give "The Donald" a handjob when they win. Welcome is the new Fowl. One where we have the power and fortitude to cancel the Grey's Anatomy subscription. A show that used to have season status is no more. I think they lost me when an explosive was implanted in a body. Besides, no one should have to subject themselves to that much Ellen Pompeo whining on a weekly basis.

However, if there was one redeeming quality about the infamous "code black" episode is that it featured Kyle Chandler as the Bomb Squadder who didn't make it out of Seattle Grace. Now, Kyle Chandler is no household name nor comedic genius along the same lines of George Lopez, Jim Belushi or Freddie Prinze Jr., but they have somehow remained on network television while Chandler slips into bit parts, failed shows or forced to get blown up after one episode. And that, my friends, is a travesty...but mostly because Belushi has lasted this long with such a crappy show.

Well, fear the absence of Chandler no more. He has emerged on what should be considered one of the year's best shows, Friday Night Lights. For those of you not familiar with the show, the book or the movie of the same name, then here's the plot in a nutshell: The obsesion surrounding Texas High School football is crazy. The players who have to play in the madness are crazier. The coaches who have to deal with all of it are the craziest. OK, that's not doing a brilliant book justice, but the story shows the risks and rewards of small town Texas football, a culture that as a Northerner, I will never truly be able to understand. However, thanks to H.G. "Buzz" Bissinger's writing and Peter Berg's directing/producing, viewers are able to immerse themselves into a world of insurmountable pressure on teenagers and coaches that, at the end of the day, are just trying to play a game.

The best part of it all? Its about so much more than football. Its about a newly crippled quarterback coming to grips with his disability and a unstable relationship. Its about a first-year starter trying to balance his school work, being the star of the team, and caring for his Alzheimer's-ridden grandmother while his father is in Iraq. It's about a coach fighting the pressures of shady boosters and Monday Morning Quarterbacks to teach kids a game he loves. Its about a young woman, tired of the football and life in West Texas, trying to escape the small town.

But even still, that doesn't do it justice. While the acting isn't outstanding, it doesn't have to be. What works about Friday Night Lights is that its endearing and realistic. The actors and actresses, while attractive, weren't cast solely on the basis of their looks like so many teen dramas are. Producers weren't fitting the parts to create heartthrobs and pop princesses. They made them look and feel real to the everyday, non-Texas viewer. They are believable in their parts, and that's all that matters.

Its one of the few shows on TV that is actually shot like a movie and has sports scenes that don't make me want to projectile vomit. Very few sports-related TV shows ever make it because they can't get actors/athletes to give them believable performances in action. Friday Night Lights captures it better than any sports TV show that I've seen in my almost 30 years of TV viewing.

I'm not one for teen dramedies. I never watched Dawson's Creek nor 90210. I was one of the few Gen Xers who couldn't stomach the brats at West Beverly High. The WB is pretty much dark in my household. But Friday Night Lights is different. Maybe its because the football serves as the centerpiece, but I think its much more than that. Its about the characters with their personal struggles. You feel for some (Matt Saracin juggling football and life; Smash Williams succumbing to the pressure of steroids) more than others (pretty much anything Layla Garrity does). There is enough happening that it keeps you interested, but not so much that its overwhelming.

ESPN's Bill Simmons talked about how he didn't start watching it because he was afraid of getting sucked in and it getting cancelled in mid-season. He's only doing himself, as a sports fan and a TV fan, a great disservice. I would rather watch something that's a quality product for a short amount of time than force feed myself mindless blather for weeks and years on end. Its why I would rather watch DVDs of Arrested Development and Freaks & Geeks than keep Grey's Anatomy on the DVR list for another day. I'll take my chance getting my heart broken with Friday Night Lights. Even if they do have to pack up and leave after just one year, at least I know that my DVR had one more season of quality programming and one less of McDreamy love triangles.

Dante from Clerks would have been proud

2006-12-21T11:50:00.000-05:00

I was chatting with my friend the Mountain Man last night and he asked, "How can you live in New York? That place is brutal and awful." While I bitch about the city (its practically a sport for me at this point), I always say that I enjoy the conveniences and uniqueness of it. Where else can you get pad thai at 1 a.m. or see free magic shows on a Saturday afternoon? Maybe some sort of mental institution, but that's it. That's why today's e-mail from the ladybird gave me a "Oh man, THIS is why I dig New York" feeling. I'll turn it over to her:

On my way to work this morning I saw one of those illegal bag vendors rushing to put all his stuff away because the cops were coming. He cleared away all the merchandise and put up a sign that read, “This stand is closed. There is absolutely nothing whatsoever for sale at this stand.” If he didn’t look suspicious before putting up the sign, he certainly looked suspicious after!

Something special in the box for you, my lady friend

2006-12-18T14:13:00.000-05:00

While 90% of this week's SNL was its usual shitty self, there was one shining light. Witness Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake's perfect christmas gift for that special someone in your life:

For the uncensored version, check out this site.

Eh Yo Rock-ooo

2006-12-17T21:09:00.000-05:00

First a disclaimer: I'm Italian.

As some of you may or may not remember, Eddie Murphy hit the nail right on the headwith his bit on Italians loving Rocky in RAW. Therefore, based on my ethnic background, it should come as no surprise that I love Rocky.

I've seen them all and with the exception of 5, loved each for different reasons. Rocky 5 was like the Roger Clinton/Billy Carter/Don Swayze of the family. Even Stallone is keeping it behind the curtain because he's embarassed about it. And this is the man that did a soft-core porn film. Yeah, now that's saying something.

Anyway, when ladybird called me on Thu. to ask if I wanted to go to a screening, I practically ran to the 42nd St. theatre, knocking out hobos and rich white women in the process.

Now let me get right to the point and answer the question everyone wants to know: There is a Frank Stallone original song in the film.

Now that that's out of the way, on with the recap.

Rocky Balboa was the most pleasent viewing experience I have ever had at the AMC 42nd St. theatre. For those of you who have ever been to said theatre, you would know what kind of an absurdity that statement should be. For those of you who don't know, the only thing I can compare it to is an old SNL skit with Tracy Morgan and others trabbed inside a Loews theatre for days while they are forced to watch Shelly Long previews. Yeah, its normally that good.

But audience members embraced it for what it is: a feel good story about an underdog who wants one more shot. No matter how pathetic and unrealistic it may seem, we want him to succeed because we grew up with his story. We know where he comes from. We know what he's done. We know that if Rocky 5 were the last of it, we would feel incomplete as movie goers, fans and god damn Americans.

Anyway, as for the film, its not going to win an academy award like the original. Hell, it won't even win a people's choice award. But as far as Rocky movies go, its worth a trip to the theatre just to see the champ go at it one last time. The worst part? Its not as unbelievable as I thought it would be. Actually, seeing how cut Sly got for the film made me realize that he probably had a better shot in a fight against a current champ than some of the heavyweights who have tried and failed to stage comebacks in recent years.

This movie of course included the token wet blanket. Although in this one Adrian (the previous movies' wet blanket) is long gone and fittingly replaced by their son, Robert. While I was waiting for a "You can't win!!!" moment, I am disappointed that it never came. Its almost as if Robert didn't want to bother putting up much of a fight in trying to talk Rocky out of it, which both annoys (from a plot perspective) and scares the shit out of me (from a personal father-son perpective). If my father were going to fight Antonio Tarver, I would probalby do everything I could to make sure he doesn't get in that ring and get mangled. Robert apparently "saw the beast within" and knew he couldn't do anything about it. But I still say bullshit.

So the plot was predictable, the training montages excellent (but way too short and too few), and the fight sequence exciting, but the most laughable part of the film came when Rocky, apparently no longer punch drunk nor brain dead, decides to express his passion for fighting through a series of monologues. One at the boxing board, one at his son and one at his new/old friend Marie. I think Sly was trying to show his "range" or something, but it just lead to a mini laughing fit for yours truly.

The final match against Mason Dixon was also a bit weird. What started out as an HBO boxing broadcast turned into a Frank Miller Graphic Novel-turned-movie. The black and white with hints of color and quick flashes to showoff punch exchanges were a bit much and took a step away from the great fight scenes in Rockys past.

Regardless of whatever may have been wrong with the movie from a structural standpoint, you can't take away the fact that Stallone knows his audience and delivered it right into the Rocky fan's wheelhouse. Paulie delivering the comedy. Rocky taking a beating. Lots of unintentional comedy. Rocky winning over a crowd. Wet blanket. Lots of Philly. Frank Stallone original songs.

Odoriffic

2006-12-07T11:13:00.000-05:00

The next-gen web tools have brought us many great things over the last few years. Sure there are the biggies that let us relive our favorite media moments, or measure which one of our favorite Denton Blogs REALLY gets the most traffic (It shouldn't be a surprise that a porn blog would be #1, but I'm still saying that it upset the odds-on-favorite Big Brother).

Now, from the people that brought you the Gawker Stalker, we present a mash-up that's after our hearts: The New York City Subway Smell Map. Its everything a cynical New York a-hole could want in a web site. I'm especially pleased to report that my previous postings of olfactory dissatisfaction around my neighbhorhood are echoed on the map. As one correspondent said, "Like the bathrooms at Jones Beach Theatre at the end of the night." A wonderful holiday treat for your beloved Filthy Fowl.

My Christmas List

2006-11-28T22:44:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving break. A time to step away from work, eat hearty meals with family and get completely blasted in cheesy chinese restaurant lounges with old friends. It's also a time for my mom to ask me for my christmas list. And yes, I'm well aware that I'm almost 30 years old and she's still asking for a list. Why hasn't she learned to just grab the good ol' JC Penney catalog and flip through where I've earmarked my "likes."

This year, I'm posting my desireables here and just saying "no" to an Amazon list or writing it in exemplary cursive (Damn you Mrs. Ryan and your demands for perfection. Your methods are unorthodox and often cruel, but I'll be damned if they don't work to a tee). Without further ado, here is Filthy Fowl's Christmas list:

1. A tri-cornered hat and musket to lay down the law with the new British people at work.
2. One day where women of the world stop acting completely insane.
3. The perfect Hall & Oates costume for next Halloween.
4. Finland's implosion (for my friends in Sweden).
5. A $50 gift certificate for the Han Dynasty in Framingham, MA.
6. Florida's secession from the United States.
7. Jennifer Love Hewitt's bodacious tatas.
8. Jessica Alba's lips.
9. Jessica Simpson's legs.
10. Beyonce's badonkadonk.
11. Jessica Biel's abs.
12. Sarah Silverman's wit.
13. Malin Akerman's eyes.
14. Rachel McAdam's coolness.
15. Eva Mendes' sexiness.
16. Maria Sharapova's competitiveness.
17. The technology to mold all of the above into one super human that somehow does not find me repulsive.
18. A two-bedroom apartment for when Ladybird kicks me out of our room for numbers 7-17.
19. The continued schadenfreude of the New York Yankees and their fans
20. Time Warner Cable to deliver a consistent fucking broadband speed.
21. To make a friend laugh so hard that he/she spits an acidic liquid through their nose.
22. One great press conference rant from a coach that will provide comedy fodder for a full year or beyond.
23. People to stop using the word "literally" out of context.
24. An overly promoted TV movie that features Brian Dennehy, Adrienne Barbeau, Ernie Hudson, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Tom Jones.
25. A solid comedy roast
26. The ability to fart on demand.
27. A healthy and effective eating disorder.
28. Any as-seen-on-TV product
29. Room to store said products
30. Networks to stop taking such long breaks (Yeah, I'm talking to you LOST!)
31. $51.1 million being worth every penny on an unknown Japanese pitcher.
32. A nice pair of slacks that complement my junk.

Things overheard in the Love Nest

2006-11-27T22:18:00.000-05:00

A quick conversation recap from moments ago:

Ladybird: Awww, watch this commercial. This little girl is so cute. It's so sad, she has cancer. And look at her adorable ballerina outfit!

Me: Yeah...but she can't dance for shit.

Ladybird: She's 4!!! And has cancer!!!

Me: She can't even pirouette.

Ladybird: (silence)

Windy City Heat

2006-11-06T19:35:00.000-05:00

Sorry readers (yes, that means you and you alone Dad). I was MIA at a conference for work in Chicago and forced to keep two other blogs for work. What does that mean to you? Absolutely nothing. It just means that I'm a lazy a-hole...and that American Airlines sucks. They kept me there an extra night because of "weather." Whatever. They always fuck up. Although it was good for me since I got to hang out with my buddies the Irishman and MozolKen, two former Bostonians now planting their Masshole asses in the midwest. I'm convinced that if I lived in Chicago, I would easily be 300 lbs., but I digress.

Anyway, I'm pumped. Why? Because 5 of the 7 commercials tonight were political ads. As an added bonus, 5 out of 5 were hilariously bad. Although, no ads for my main child-eating homie Spitzer. He's got this one locked up. Its not even fun for me to make fun of his Bill Cower/Sgt. Slaughter chin anymore. In this political junkies mind, one of the best things about living in this place is that we get ads for three states. But nothing beats the heat being generated by the NY Comptroller's race. Professional scumbag Alan Hevesi has caused quite a stir by using State money to cart his old lady around. People are pissed. Even Spitz dropped his endorsement. Now that's saying something. If Spitz can't help you out, you might just want to call it a day.

I'm ready for it. So much so that I'm going to try to live blog this bitch tomorrow. Sure the NY races are pretty boring, but I'm ready to see droopy dog come from behind to win again in CT. And of course, NJ, which is always fun. And the Dems somehow regain the Congress even though it looks like they have no clue what they are doing. Good times indeed.

So it goes

2006-10-11T23:51:00.000-04:00

In typical Boston media fashion, we got the obligatory "What we DIDN'T get right in the past" article in today's Boston Globe. Yes, the Red Sox passed on Albert Pujols, but so didn't 29 other teams if I'm not mistaken. The scout in the KC are found him but he wasn't alone, obviously.

I don't think the Sox are any worse off than any other team in terms of missed opportunities. Yes, management has made some personnel mistakes. But they've also made some great moves too. Most recently, the Sox couldn't have won a championship with out pulling the trigger on those moves. So, why can't we just let it go? Simple: We love feeling like losers. The media loves to drive it home with us too. We love to let them make us feel that way.

I'm not sure of the exact reason, nor do I really want to know, but the feeling of failure has been beaten into our souls.

The sports media should stick to reporting or commentary on actual events...not hypotheticals or reflecting on possibilities almost 10 years after the fact. Afterall, that's what WEEI and sports radio is good for. You think people actually listen to Pete Sheppard scream about god knows what because they want to stay informed?

I wrote to the great Boston Sports Media Columnist John Molori once about how there should be a disclaimer before every sports talk radio program stating that with the exception of the news updates, this is for entertainment purposes only. Sure, it wouldn't make a huge difference right away, but if we beat that into the consumers minds enough times like the media currently does with their "Have nots" angle? Who knows, maybe it might just help us develop a sense of humor and forget that we are supposed to be losers

These a-holes are rich

2006-10-10T18:19:00.000-04:00

What else is there to say except that these guys will be doing blow off of the finest piece of arse Silicon Valley has to offer later tonight. Actually, I'm sure they've already had an appetizer sometime today. $1.6 billion buys you a lot of Dom and hookers.

al Qaeda Hates the University of Nebraska's West Coast Offense

2006-09-13T10:54:00.000-04:00

I'm still not quite sure how they justify it, be it with some form of scientific matrix, Google-esque algorithmic equations or just rock-paper-scissors, but the federal government has shown their boneheadness yet again. Somehow, big brother has decided to shift the homeland security money away from open ports like New York, and protect the international borderless landlocked states like Kentucky and Wyoming. Afterall, if they terrorists get to our bison and horse racing, then they have won.

Cutting a portion of the budget is one thing. Taking away almost half of New York's money and giving it to other states not named California is another. Hell, even Rhode Island and Delaware should be getting more funding than Wyoming. At least they have waterways.

Hey, why protect a city with 8 million people that also serves as the financial, media and cultural capital of the world? Tell the 40 million tourists that come crowd my goddamn neighborhood every year to go screw. We need to make sure that the Louisville Slugger factory has armed guards at all times. Anyone who has ever been to New York, appreciates New York, or were upset at the tragedy of 9/11 understands the importance of protecting the city.

Are New Yorkers brash, obnoxious and egotistical? Of course. Even they won't debate that. Is it easy to hate them? Umm, just go to a Yankee gam to find out for yourself. However, have they not already experienced the most hideous act of terrorism on American soil? I think that's safe to say. So, why fuck with them just days after the 5-year anniversay of 9/11? It's pure lunacy.

I don't normally agree with whiney buffoons like Chuck Schumer (yes, our Senator's nickname is Chuck), but he hit the nail on the head when he said that "This is unfair. This is wrong. This is an outrage. This is basically abandoning New York."

All the federal governement has done is make Hillary Clinton a lock for the presidency in 2008. Which really sucks, condidering 1) I live in NY and 2) I hate the carpet-bagging Clintons. Thanks for nothing, you red state a-holes.

Something Good From Something Bad

2006-09-12T15:00:00.000-04:00

While I complain about NYC's stank and the a-holes...as well as the stinky a-holes, I wanted to pass along something thats great for New York. Check out the new digital flag put together for the World Trade Center Memorial Foundation: www.wtcflag.org. Its a great way to try and raise money without begging. Not that theres anything wrong with that either.

Feel free to donate, or just sign it.

Our rookie got the hotfoot, what did yours do today?

2006-09-06T21:58:00.000-04:00

I've calmed down slightly since unsuccessfully attempting voodoo on Annibel Sanchez an hour ago. Yes, the 22-year old former Sox prospect no-hit the Globo Gym Purple Cobras tonight after being called up from Double A a few months ago. I'm the biggest Theo supporter there is, and you can't fault him for something like this. Although, I'm sure the Curly Haired Boyfriend will have some annoyingly smarmy commentary tomorrow. It just stings a bit as the Sox are getting their asses handed to them with the combined staff of Kyle Snyder, Lenny DiNardo, Craig Breslow, Bryan Corey, Craig Hansen and Mike Burns. Not exactly a murder's row of a bullpen.

What makes it worse is that former prospect Hanley Ramirez made the last put out. Oh yeah, and their $15 million payroll has them only 2 1/2 out of the wild card. At least a packed house of 12,500 were able to witness history in the making. I think half of them were unconscious of their surroundings by the time the 9th rolled around. Why is there not a packed house? The summer heat is calming down, so that shouldn't be an excuse. They are playing great baseball with two young superstars-in-the-making (Cabrera and Willis). Not to mention a solid manager (who will win NL Manager of the year) that doesn't overthink his in-game strategy. Yet, of course owner Jeffrey Loria is ready to fire him.

Can somebody please contract Floria baseball teams already? Let Loria go back to his art dealings and leave Major League Baseball to owners who want to win.

The Contender: Week 3

2006-08-16T11:25:00.000-04:00

We open tonight’s program with Gary Balletto Jr.’s victory over the Rocky IV version of Apollo Creed – minus a James Brown spectacle or death, of course. Mrs. Balletto Jr. and son Gary Balletto Jr. Jr. are ready to celebrate and CUE THE SMALL CHILDREN. An appearance by Gary’s baby leads to the obligatory: “Ohhh, he’s so cute,” from Lady Bird. The first such call of the night

Where can I get a Team Balletto jacket? More importantly, who’s on Team Balletto? Is there a draft? Do you have to fight someone from Rhode Island to join?

Polaroid steals Toyotas thunder as the most obscenely obvious product placement of the night. Polaroid better watch its back or else someone’s going to get run over by a Tundra before this thing is over.

And so its been set for week 4: Bravo – Balletto Jr. It’s ON! From a name standpoint alone this is going to be my favorite match.

Phew, thankfully Toyota quickly regained its spot as product placement goon of the week as guys start throwing tires in the back of a brand new 2007 Toyota Tundra truck, fully-loaded and looking good. We missed you Toyota. Don’t ever scare us like that again, you hear?

I’m not an astute observer of things (which is clear after reading this blog entry), but Vinroy looks sort of like a cross between one of those three-eyed Martians from Toy story and Manute Bol.

Poor Andre...he’s this weeks “out of shape scrub but playing it off as an “underdog” candidate. Meanwhile, Walter’s fast fists start scaring Fraza, Andre, Vinroy and everyone else. And with that, the good people at ESPN’s editing facility have just set the match for the viewers at home.

Once again, Steve Forbes is the voice of reason, telling us that Vinroy isn’t experienced enough to fight Grady. Where would America be without Steve Forbes? Boxing expert, flat tax proponent. He’s the all-American man.

I love the use of subtitles for guys born and raised speaking English. No accents. No Spanglish. Just incomprehensible. I wonder if ESPN has someone working full time on Ebo’s translations at this point.

As it becomes clear that this week’s fight will be Andre and Walter, Andre throws down the “Good luck, Champ,” with a mocking undertone. But the best part is that everyone accuses him of playing “mental games.” No shit. I’ve never seen that done before in boxing.

Pre-fight notes from Andre:
Surprisingly, Andre is from downtown Brooklyn, where he is/was/will be always fighting. Oh yeah, and in case you didn’t realize, he’s fighting to make a better life for him and his family. Novel.

Resident Jesus freak K9 starts reading the bible and giving advice to Andre. This week’s passage comes from the story of JOB. Also, “I came from the hood, he came from the hood. I’m still in the hood. He’s still in the hood.”

Andre’s brother speaks like a poet. Not bad for a golden gloves champion. Wait, what the f…uh-oh. He’s making Andre cry already and the fight hasn’t even begun yet. Not a good sign.

Pre-fight notes from Walter:
YES!!! Nothing says tough like shadowboxing as the gym air is filled with mist. Its like glamour shots for boxing.
Man, Walter looks good...but the music is making lady bird pull for Brooklyn Andre. Stupid music director. Stop messing with our emotions, man.

Walter has no family here...he’s all business.

Celebrities in attendance include old standbys Gomes and Manfredo. Also, is that Lorraine Bracco? This show gets weirder by the week. Good to see Sugar Shane Mosely in the house. I don’t have a smarmy comment. I fear the man.

Nicknames:
Andre “The daredevil” Eason.
Walter “Two-touch” Wright.

Round 1:
-Walter is fast, man.
-Eason keeps missing then starts working the body with his wrists.
-Walter’s boxing is like any young man’s sex life... he’s in, he’s out, its over.
-A three punch combo leads to First round knock-down!!!! 9 count. Hot damn, this is good stuff.
-Eason is saved by the bell.

Round 2:
-Walter comes out, goes 1-2, steps out. Man, he’s slick.
-Ahh, the music slows down...then stops. Not a good sign for Eason.
-A flurry by Andre picks the music up. If Andrew wants to win, he’s gotta come in close.
-Slo-mo captures a slew of body blows by Andre, but he looks spent

Round 3:
-Walter ducks and stays away.
-I’ll say it again, Walter is fast.
-Was that a phantom punch?
-The flurry is coming. Walter is forced against the ropes. Slo-mo gives it to Andre.

The music says the crowd is bored…and so am I.

Round 4:
-Lots of misses by Eason
-Slo mo uppercut gives it all to Wright. Music low and slow. Not looking good.
-Last minute flurry inside by Andre and....the music changes up tempo.

Round 5:
-Here comes the Contender theme song which makes me want to make out with America.
-I’m inspired to box...oh, I mean get more Oreos.
-Andre looks dead until he starts throwing and punching Walter with his wrists again.
-Phantom punch again. Man, Walter’s just rubbing it in at this point. What an asshole.
Its over. Walter knows it and gives him a smirk.

Walter just picked him apart. 50-44. Thats why you don’t cry before a fight.

Final notes:
Here’s tonight’s cliché of the night: Tie. “When you get knocked down, a champion gets up,” and “He has a heart like a lion.” My only question is, isn’t a whale heart stronger and bigger than a lion’s? No Lion is going to tear apart a whale, that’s for sure.

We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras...

2006-08-15T11:14:00.000-04:00

And we will...yes...we will...Rock YOU. I'm not sure why no one has used this on them yet, but the Arizona Diamondbacks (those of the snake-like creature fame) deserve to take on the nickname of White Goodman's squad from Dodgeball. It just makes sense. If only Bob Brenley were still around. He would have played the role of Chuck Norris so well.

In case you didn't see it, the Purple Cobras rumbled with the God Squad from Denver. Maybe its a battle for purple supremacy? Or maybe it was a higher power whispering in Jose Mesa's ear.

Juicy Fruit

2006-07-27T18:27:00.000-04:00

My buddy pointed this out to me a while back, but I can't help but laugh even now, after my 1,987th viewing.

This clip is like a "choose your own adventure" of hilarity. Surprisingly, local affiliates use annoying/cheesy reporters do puff pieces on local events. You would never thing such a thing could exist in this world of stoic journalism.

Regardless, an unfortunate turn of events for this Fox reporter provides something for even the most discerning comedic palettes. From the platform fall to the sounds to the words ("I can't breathe"), its all there. And a big kudos to the anchor team for taking a-holeness to a new level. I'm no expert, but it looks like they actually give a shit about her neck being snapped and feet being covered with grapes ("ooh yeah, she might actually be hurt").

But alas, that's what you get when you try to cheat your way to victory.

The Contender: Week 2

2006-07-26T03:01:00.000-04:00

Yes, I’m the first to admit that I’m a week (actually, two fights) behind on writing about this, but I have an excuse…I’m a sucker. I was stuck at work late last week and didn’t get to watch the first episodes until this weekend.

So with “K9” Bundrage and Noberto Bravo already locking down spots in the second round, we look to the Blue team to select their next victim.

A couple of thoughts notes before this week’s episode:

1. The ridiculous challenges are gone. All I recall from last year is poor Peter Manfredo trying to spell ‘Tundra’ or something. Just awful.
2. Steve Forbes. Billionaire. Presidential candidate. Yacht owner. Future Welterweight contender.
3. Sure, someone will win the prize money and belt, but who will be the #1 Daddy?
4. Jeff Fraza is back and as storyless as ever. Note to producers: Let’s get something going for this guy already. You did bring him back after all.
5. Between K9’s missing teeth, inaccurate quotes from the bible and possible mental derangement, he becomes an instant favorite for the “Mike Tyson circa 2001 award for nonsensical behavior.”

On with the show:

We open with Noberto Bravo’s victory over some other Mexican guy from last week. Noberto Bravo is a great name. I don’t know why he insists on using a Spanish nickname when his real one works even better. Actually, I’m sort of disappointed that he’s not an Italian action movie hero.

Surprisingly, there is no great reward like dinner with Alfonso Gomez this week.

Yes! The night’s first mention of “I’m fighting for my family” goes to Italian action hero Noberto Bravo during his post-fight interview.

Cut to: post-fight discussion in the house. Lots of shit talk. Mr. T would call this jibber jabber. He would also pity the fools. I wouldn’t disagree with said pity.

Aaron from Philly is getting heated about fighting Gary Balletto from Providence. Two things here: First, I’m adding a Junior to Balletto’s name. It just seems right. Second, he’s gotta be a Manfredo guy and you don’t want to mess with a Manfredo guy. I’m sure Peter Sr. is lurking somewhere and could take out a kneecap at any moment.

This conversation about matchups is quickly turning into a drive-time sports radio show where everyone is yelling over one another. No one is enjoying this. Although something tells me that 2005 Bronze medallist Alfonso Gomez is ready to chip in with his words of wisdom.

Annnnnddd ACTION. Alfonso and Senor Gomez appear after the commercial break. Phew. I was getting worried. He just called the gym a tutti-frutti because “it has all the flavors.” Thanks a lot ‘Fonzo…you have officially turned the Contender gym into a gay club.

Yup, It’s official. Both of these trainers are bad ass.

Billionaire Steve Forbes talks the most sense when he says that the Gold team has their best fighters left and the blue team is cracking. The fact that he looks like Wayne Brady makes it that much more special. The best part of all? He’s a former IBF lightweight champ trying to fight his way up. Steve Forbes is an instant favorite of the Fowl.

With the absence of Toyota-related challenges, fighters are toeing the line at 15-minute mark.

Aaron calls out Gary Balletto Jr. Bad news. Gary’s a monster and has about 5”-6” on Aaron. Also, he looks like Glass Joe from Mike Tyson’s punch-out and the parking lot attendant in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” Yeah, there is no way he’s losing.

ESPN needs a full-time translator for Ebo. I don’t see much of a difference between him and Fenster from Usual Suspects at this point.

Scene: Aaron on the spray painted LA aqueduct explaining that he grew up in “a tough neighborhood with a lot of black kids, mostly white kids” and he’s Spanish. I don’t get it. Also, here’s an interesting tidbit: He was married for approx. 4 months before he got separated. The good news? He’s already getting with another woman. You go Aaron.

Cut to: The Balletto Jr. home. Mrs. Balletto Jr. is no doubt the cutest of the contestant wives. Today is Gary Balletto Jr.-Jr’s Birthday and he looks exactly like dad. The kids are well behaved and the first appearance of a newborn makes Ladybird give the obligatory “awwwww.” Who knew that The Contender would actually help my relationship?

FIGHT NIGHT HAS ARRIVED! Celebrities in the house include: Peter Manfredo Jr., Sergio Mora and of course, Alfonso Gomez.

Pre-fight notes from Aaron: He informs us “there is no fine line between passion and fear. Its about who has the heart and who doesn’t.” I’m officially confused.

This is also the first time that we get to see the “other woman,” who looks eerily like an older, Latin version of Anne Veal from Arrested Development.

A second helping of wisdom from Aaron: Somehow, Aaron has just turned this into a ‘Ghetto vs. family’ fight with his quote, “There’s more on the line for me. If (Balletto Jr.) loses, he goes home to his rich life, nice house and family. If I lose, I go back to the ghetto.” Somebody call John Singleton up. Also, Balletto Jr. is a construction worker back in Providence so I’m not sure where that ranks him on the Forbes list of the wealthiest Americans.

Pre-fight notes from Balletto Jr.: He’s been out of the game for a few years. His son doesn’t want to watch him fight, which gets another hearty “awwww” from the other side of the couch. Balletto Jr. has had every injury known to boxers…but he still looks better than Manfredo Jr. Yup. Mrs. Balletto Jr. is still cute.

Tommy is really driving this “no showboating – just take care of business” message home with Aaron. Is that the smell of foreshadowing or just gym stank?

So naturally what happens next? He starts high-fiving the crowd and pumping his fist. Now he’s just smiling and staring down Balletto Jr. in between winking to his corner. Oh harbinger, you old so-and-so.

Round 1:
- Despite the swings and misses, the slow motion overhands landing squarely on the top of Aaron’s head gives the early part of the round to Balletto Jr.
- Aaron starts to make a comeback, but winks at his girlfriend and immediately morphs into Apollo Creed a la Rocky 4. Uh-oh. We all know how this is going to end… One of the guys from the blue team better get that Ferrari and Survivor CD ready.
- After a few more weak blows, Aaron tears his tricep patting himself on the back.
- Tommy, nor his hat, are happy about this one.

Round 2:
- Gary’s chasing him around. I think I heard Mrs. Balletto throw out a “put him in a body bag,” but its late and I’m tired.
- Slow-motion starts to give the round to Balletto Jr. when Aaron goes from Apollo to Thunderlips and tackles Balletto Jr.

Round 3:
- Anne Veal likes what she sees.
- More smiles to the crowd from Aaron followed by a post-round slap to the face by Tommy. He is clearly not happy to be working this guy’s corner. I don’t blame him.
- The music slows down. The tragic dance commences.
- Aaron pulls out his back trying to fellate himself.
- Yup. Mrs. Balletto Jr. is still cute.
- “If he dies - he dies.”

Round 4:
- Just when you think its over, cue the music change! Damn these editors.
- flurries of punches make it tough to see who landed what, but thankfully the slo-mo shifts clarifies it for the viewers by shifting the momentum to Aaron.
- The blood on the back of Balletto Jr. has an eerie 1987 Communist Russia feel to it.
- Aaron slips and is lazy to get back up, losing the momentum. Who would honestly pay money to see this guy?

Round 5:
- Let them hear you as they go into the FIFTH AND FINNNNALLL ROUND. This ring announcer is brutal.
- For some reason the people on the side think the fight is tied, but it looks like all Balletto Jr. at this point.
- Just when you think the fighters have had enough, the crowd starts chanting Balletto Jr.’s name, the music picks up a happy pace and the combos come rolling in.
- Tommy says to Aaron what we’re all thinking, “You’ve got a lot to learn kid.”

Judging:
Aaron’s got his hand up. Pu-lease. Surprisingly its a split decision for the winner….Gary “the Tiger Balletto” (Jr.).

Anne Veal and Papa Aaron aren’t happy at all. Everyone else seems to think its right on, including yours truly. Back to the Ghetto for Aaron while Balletto Jr. sips Cristal from a chalet made of peasant bones.

Final Notes:
Balletto Jr. needs a better nickname. “The Tiger” should only belong to Asian fighters.

Why is Manfredo at EVERY fight? Doesn’t he have a newborn and a hot wife at home?

Yup. Mrs. Balletto Jr. is still cute. Latin Anne Veal, not so much.

Guess Who's Back?

2006-07-20T14:27:00.000-04:00

Fine. I'll say it: I love football. There, are you happy now?

OK, now that I'm done stating the obivous and sounding like a complete asshole in the process, allow me to elaborate.

It's not just the 17 weeks of pure bone-crunching, TD celebrating, Manning Schadenfreude joy that I love. No, its knowing that one man is back in my life to provide me with unfettered creative entertainment and a few "what the fuck?" moments. And yes, that sounded incredibly gay. (To balance out my gayness, here is a picture of a hot woman that I love.)

So, without further ado, I would like to present, the one, the only, the bizzare Clinton Portis. I'm thinking about drafting him about 10 positions higher than he should be in my fantasy league for the simple fact that with him, I'm also getting Rev. Gonna Change, Southeast Jerome, Kid Bro Sweets, Coach Janky Spanky, and my personal favorite, the Angel of Southeast Jerome.

God bless you, Clinton Portis. God bless every one of you.

Shithoused Memories Review: Jake Ivory's

2006-06-27T14:19:00.000-04:00

I've decided to start a new feature on the Hate of Mind dubbed the Shithoused Memories Review. Instead of complaining about my current social situation, why not take a look back at some of the many nights out and see how the evening holds up from the eyes of a drunken fool? There are very few guidelines as to what makes a good night, but take this information and do with it what you will. After all, you're dead to me.

Our first installment (and the segment in general) was inspired by a friend who asked about locations for bachelorette parties in Boston. While I am far from a bachelorette party expert, I have been around long enough to see gaggles of drunken women donning penis earrings and drinking foo-foo drinks from a penis straw. Sure, its appauling, but it got me thinking about a place where you will always find desperate women offering lifesavers tied onto a t-shirt for $1: Jake Ivory's, 9 Landsdowne St. Boston, MA.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Boston, Landsdowne St. is just behind the Green Monster. If you aren't familiar with the Green Monster, well, just punch yourself in the neck right now. On game nights it becomes a madhouse, so if you are up for dealing with the drunken revellers in "Jeter Sucks, A-Rod Swallows" T-shirts, then go for it.

Our misadventure takes us back to mid-December 2002. I was ready to leave Boston and head west for a new life as Ryan Atwood. I was working at a PR firm and the company Christmas party was scheduled to take place at Jake Ivory's where we would join other groups of corporate mongrels and watch white guys perform muscial immitations of such artists like Chaka Khan and Stevie Wonder. After getting sufficiently hammered earlier in the night at the office and doing a Yankee Swap, possibly the most sadistic Christmas game ever created (and not to be confused with this Yankee swap), we headed over to the lounge.

After a few more rounds of drinks and a lousy buffet, the entertainment began. The deal is that they more you tip the piano players, the more likely they are to play your song. If not, then much like your tip, your request will never to be seen again.
Also, if you pick something lame like "Crocodile Rock" then you will get a headbutt by the bouncer and held down while the bartender brands your ass burned with a "pussy boy" iron. Well, maybe not, but that would probably be the best deterrant against such atrocities.

As the night went on and the drinks continued to flow, I began talking with a bartender who bordered on the fine line between skanky and hot...just my type. Someone who had big hair, a sweet body and fell for lines that would normally be conversation stoppers like, "You think this song is hot, you should hear what song is playing in my pants." OK, I never used that line. Well, I hope not anyway.

Given my business casual attire and 100% honkey group, I had no idea that I would even be exchanging words with this lovely young lady besides "could I get another vodka tonic, please?"

Before long, the inevitable happened. An annoying older women with low hanging fruits and her wretched mess of a co-worker jumped on stage and began shouting the lyrics to "Oh what a night." The online thing that kills a good time faster than a work group singing crappy songs is an ugly screeching bachelorette party.

Thankfully, my boss had the decency to get the party started by paying the bartender $20 to play the beat from Rapper's Delight and let me have the mic. She told me she would put in a good work with the Skankhot and said, "Consider this your Christmas Bonus." While I thanked her for her generosity, all I really thought was, "Shit, I would rather have the cash. What a cheap bitch."

As I began going into my routine I transformed from mild-mannered Filthy Fowl into Wonder Mic. The transistion was seemless. The Skankhot left her post and joined the crowd at the front of the stage dancing and cheering me on. I was on fire. Nothing was going to stop me tonight. I would sing. I would dance. I would charm the acid washed jeans off of Skankhot. That is, until I decided to reach for that high leg kick, David Lee Roth style. A simple math equation of the situation would read: (Me + booze) x (sweaty performance + leg kick) / pants that are a bit too tight = game over.

The pants split right up the ass and the song came to an abrupt end. Needless to say, I didn't even get a number from said Skankhot and was forced to go to leave the premesis out of sheer embarassment. However, it was not before I saw our intern making out with someone's date. Oh well, she wasn't even that hot anyway and the date was a pretty boy.

If you:
-enjoy piano renditions of "Sweet Child O' Mine"
-like crowds who are excited to be involved with the entertainment
-have a high tolerange level for screaming douchebags
-can barely meet the first three requirements, but really want to meet desperate girls at bachelorette parties
-want to see some dickhead try a dancemove out of his physical reach and possibly impale himself...

then this is the place for you. If not, then stay away like you would from a curiously attractive woman with an adam's apple. Don't even try to explore. The risk far outweighs the reward. Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything. I'm just saying.

Cooling the Grundle: Burrito Edition

2006-06-23T14:20:00.000-04:00

Its another nut-soaker in Manhattan today. However, this year, rather than be forced to huddle in my bedroom where the AC is located, I have decided to go on the offensive against mother nature and put that bitch on ice. The good people at Best Buy gave me a great deal of the modern day Commando 8, 12,000 BTUs of Raw cooling power. The good news is that I sat spread eagle in my boxers directly in front of the thing for 15 minutes (much to the ladybird's chagrin). The bad news is that it will probably cause a blackout on a daily basis. Thankfully I have the circut breaker and not fuses. One, because I would waste a lot of money replacing them every day and Two, I don't know how to change fuses.

In celebration of my new nut cooling purchase, I decided to take a walk to my local Chipotle to enjoy a lunchtime steak burrito. It was decided by the United States of Me that no matter how long the line was, I would not deny myself the delicious delicacies of Chipotle. I would not simply settle and walk across the street to Burritoville, no matter how much I hate that fucking gawd-awful line. During the walk I try to avoid looking at the midtown summer heiny and stay focused on how delicious its going to be. Its not easy, there's ass everywhere. I'm one block away when I see a slew of banker douchebags walking en mass up ahead. Oh no, this isn't happening.

When I finally get there the line is not only out the door, but wrapped around the restaurant inside. Fuck it. I settle. I'm going to Burritoville. The reasoning is simple: If I'm going to have to wait over 30 minutes to get a tortilla with rice, meat and beans, I might as well not have to do it with the city's version of the Alpha Delta Kappa house standing in front of me.

While Burritoville is certainly no Chipotle, it does the trick. The difference is that instead of waiting in line to order, they fool you and push the wait off until the end. Placing the order is quick and easy...its picking it up that sucks ass. To top it off, a diminutive, yet annoyingly loud Hispanic woman calls out your orders. Think Frau-farbisina meets Charo. While its not my worst nightmare, it just made me clamor for the Mexican soup Nazi's at Chipotle barking, "Black or Pinto beans?"

Whats the moral of the story? Well, I'm not quite sure. Its either follow your dreams or frat boys blow donkey ass or always get delivery or something. All I do know is that that white chili chicken burrito is gonna give me swamp ass to match my swamp balls.

If it sounds like an elephant, and looks like an elephant and smells like an elephant...

2006-06-15T10:52:00.000-04:00

...Then it must be a New York Democrat in election season. While his BFF Hillary goes around convincing everyone she is war-tastic, our resident child-eating, CEO skull cracking Attorney General is making an awful lot of statements that cutting sound a bit...ummmm, how do you say? Ahh yes: Republican. Which side are they on on anyway? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for less of an ass raping when it comes to the government taking my money, but I just think its funny that there is a shift towards the right about 4 months before the election (or in the case of Hillary - 2 years). Afterall, the less money the government has to give to the bayou dipshits to buy Girls Gone Wild tapes, the better. Instead, it sounds like Spitzer is saying, "keep that money and be able to buy the tapes for yourself." Hooray for Spitzer!

To all the Dems out there who are concerned that the values of these politicians has been compromised, don't worry, they don't really have any values to begin with. Its only a bait and switch maneuver. You'll get your beloved UWS yuppie back when he wins the office. As for our lovely Junior senator, well, we should have learned by now that she will say and do anything to win a vote. Sure she is the ultimate hypocrisy, but so was her husband. (I'm still not quite sure how NOW continued to support him after getting hoovered by a fat chick in a beret while his wife and daughter were down the hall, but I digress.)

Personally, I could care less about Democrats and Republicans. I just want an old-fashioned personal attack campaign like our neighbor had last fall. Spitzer! Faso! Who draws first blood?! The 2006 New York Gubernatorial Election only on Fox 5!

Boobies to the rescue

2006-06-14T12:26:00.000-04:00

I wanted to share a wonderful story from this morning that just warmed my heart. Its a tale of helping people persevere in difficult situations. Its about recovery after a devastating hurricane ripped away an entire city's property and hope. Its about obtaining only the bare necessities in order to survive. It's about trashy ladies in low-cut tank tops. And crazy college co-eds going wild.

This is your tax dollars hard at work my friend. The money you give to the governement, who in turn gives it to the fine people of the "New Chocolate City," goes directly into the pockets of Joe Francis. Yes, the fine people of New Orleans are spending their relief money on Girls Gone Wild and Hooters. Hooray for the south. Fuck food and water...nothings says sweet relief like University of Arkansas girls showing their ta-tas's.

Well, its not entirely the south's fault. Afterall, the government did fall for pretty much the most basic of scams. If you can make up shit on these types of forms, I bet you can do it anywhere. Need a small business loan? No problem, just give me 9 random numbers as your social security digits and we'll give it the green light. Want to apply for unemployment? Make a fake ID with your head superimposed onto the body of Cletus the slack-jawed yokel. After all, you can't fool the president:

If only it were about the luge

2006-05-24T17:41:00.000-04:00

I was perusing one of my favorite sites the other day and happened to stumble across this little piece of cinematic genius in the making. It stars Will Ferrell and Jon Heder as olympic figure skaters who found a loophole to be able to skate as pairs. Their rivals? The brilliant team of Will Arnett and Amy Poehler, of course. While Heder is nothing to get too excited about, the Arnett/Poehler team seems like a surefire winner. Afterall, they played a great couple on the greatest TV show of all time, and they are married in this thing called real life, so I can only imagine they will be able to work their magic in 2 plus hours of unedited goodness.

By the way, what must that household be like? I can only imagine a world of 24/7 of poop jokes, some biting and impersonations during sex on the dining room table. Now that, my friend, is a world I would like to live in.

And This Guy Wants to Be President?

2006-05-11T12:00:00.000-04:00

I don't know what any politician needs to do to actually have a lower approval rating than our President, but somehow George Pataki has done it. Talk about disheartening, check out this highlight from today's Post:

Pataki's anemic 30 percent job-approval rate is below the lowest rating ever given Mario Cuomo, who lost to Pataki in 1994, according to a Marist survey released yesterday.

The poll found that just 30 percent of New York voters approve of Pataki's performance in office, while 67 percent disapprove.

Even 55 percent of Republican voters disapprove of his job performance, compared with 43 percent who give him thumbs-up.

Ouch. Times are tough when your own party won't even get your back. Doesn't look good for Pataki living in the White House.

The president is listening to your phone sex and he's doing slightly better than Wacky Pataki. Maybe people have just turned against people named George? The always leathery George Hamilton got an early boot on "Dancing with the Stars." George Lucas got killed for the last three star wars (and apparently the author of that article really has a distaste for the man). Who's next? Will people turn on the George Foreman grill, opting for the Joe Fraizer Panini Maker instead?

Who knows...but these numbers on both the state and federal level don't bode well for the Republicans come Nov. Sorry Bill Weld. I loved you when you were a Masshole, but your native New Yorkers seem ready to bring on a man who looks like he would eat their children in order to control population growth.